Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat, we'll take the trail marked on your father's map

Husband,

Yesterday, we did our first devotional together. It was strange, and it wasn't like I expected. But it was still wonderful. It was interesting, getting to have the opportunity to see how you viewed me and how you viewed the start of our relationship.

I'm terrified though. There is a part of me that is still terrified because this journey is so new, because it is unlike anything I have ever experienced. There is a part of me that still doubts that you are the one. That doubts that we really have a future. I'm not sure whether that's my bipolar or my fear talking, but I know this much: it's not from God. If there is one thing I have learned to trust it is that God does not ignite feelings of anxiety and terror. It is not his way.

I am certain there is a lesson in this for me. You see, I keep trying to get this all figured out. To plan out where this is going and how it will get there and what's going to happen once it gets there. I know deep down inside that that's not how God wants it to be; that He doesn't want us to know it all ahead of time so that the thrill of the path is gone.

I'm just not very good at the waiting bit. At the whole taking things one day at a time. But I'm learning. If for no-one else but for you, I am doing my best to learn.

I am doing my best to try and trust God. After all, that's what this is all about right? Trusting God that the path we are taking is the right one, that we will let Him guide us?

I wonder, do you have any fears like that? Do you sometimes get scared at the intensity of things and wonder if what you're feeling is real? Or am I alone in that?

Love you always,
Just A Girl,
Someday a wife

Visions are flashing into my head as i reminisce my reoccurring dreams

My prince,

It's all happening so fast, but I can't say that's a bad thing. At first, I was afraid. Afraid that if I fell, it meant that I would be too vulnerable. But I guess that's one of the things that comes with growing up, that you come to understand that love cannot function without vulnerability.

Sometimes it feels strange to talk about our future together when we've only been with each other for such a short amount of time. That strangeness, however, I would chalk up more to expectations laid by the way things should flow according to the world. The truth is, when talking about it, despite its strangeness, it just fits. It feels right, feels normal.

Sometimes it's hard not to get ahead of ourselves. Knowing that it's ours to claim, there are moments when I want it all right now. Why must we wait when we know we're right for each other? Why must we allow time when we know our futures are entwined?

Thankfully the voice of reason and truth wins out against those battles in my mind. I know that the time between exists because God has willed it so, that it is in God's timing we must trust, and not in our own.

It's hard, but then again, God never promised it would be easy waiting on the desires of our hearts.

I'm excited to start this journey with you, to start smoothing out our relationship in both the good and the bad. To work on growing not just with each other, but with each other in God. Because without Him, really, what is our relationship?

Love you always and forever,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

At least out loud, I won't say I'm in love.... sha la la la la la, ahhh.

Husband,

Don't be fooled by the title. The truth is, I did say it out loud. For the first time to a man since I was 17 years old. And it was terrifying. It took me three days to muster up the strength to say it. Fear kept holding me back. Fear of it being too soon, fear of it not being returned, fear of it scaring you.

It's strange, because it's nothing like anything I've ever experienced. It's not all mushy gushy feelings and butterflies, though I can't deny that those have their moments.

I was afraid too that maybe I didn't mean it because it is fast. Can falling in love really happen that fast? But then I realized that time isn't necessarily the controlling factor in these things. Sometimes when it's right, it's just right, and it fits.

The truth is though, I figured it out three weeks in. I knew it. It took just a moment, and it was that moment when my entire being realized that I loved you. We were worshipping God together at my church, hand in hand, focused not on one another, but on God. And in that moment, everything fit. In that moment, for the first time ever, I experienced what it really means to have that relationship together with God. And I know you felt it too, because you told me you felt it even before I told you what I thought.

And so, I said it... I said it to you with all the conviction held within my heart, and you said it back. I didn't want that moment to end, but now that it has, I am so excited to see how this moves forward. Where we go from here.

You are so amazing, and I hope I still tell you every day how blessed and lucky I am to have you in my life, loving me.

Love you always and forever,
Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

If I was a flower growing wild and free all I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee..

Father,

It's amazing how when we put things in Your hands instead of our own, that they work out as well as they do. To not see how You put the two of us together would mean we were not looking, because it is so evident in how everything has played out.

I can't even begin to put into words how I feel about all of this, how I feel about the man you have seen fit to bless me with.

He is everything I could have ever dreamed of and more. I am so thankful for him.

Thank you, Daddy, for bringing someone into my life who compliments me so well and fits with me so perfectly.

This is such a new chapter in my life, but I have so much faith that it will all work out.

You are so good to me.

Thank you again.

Love you always, Dad.

Just a Girl,
Someday a Wife

He said, "I hate this place. I miss your smile. I miss your face. I wrote a song. Girl, I wrote a song."

My handsome prince,

I can't say with certainty that I've found you. But I have a feeling. A feeling that I can't shake. One that every time we're near, every time we touch, every time we look into each other's eyes is so overwhelming that I can't deny it's there.

I know it's not hormones, and I know it's not just the feelings that come with a new romance. Those are there too, but this... this is different.

I know that if this is it, it's God's hand that has brought us together. Either way, God brought us together... there's too much that could be considered 'chance' for it not to be God.

It has something to do with the level of comfort I have. I've never slid into being this comfortable with someone, especially not this quickly. It's not just comfort in being physically beside one another, but in being part of your life. It just fits.

I'm fully ready to admit I could be wrong. After all, this is so soon, so very soon. But I don't think I'm going to be wrong. Too much is falling into place. Too many things match up.

I think this really is the start of that journey, the start of the path being cut to the day where you and I join in marriage, where I become yours and you become mine. It's going to be a long journey, but that's okay. Part of the magic is walking that path together and in God.

Just so you know though, this is the only time I'm going to mention this, until I know for sure. Getting it out helps me to not think on it too much, because you and I both know that when I think on things too much, good or bad, they always end up having bad results.

You are everything I could have ever wanted, and I know that as we take our journey together in marriage, that every day I continue to fall in love with you again and again. I can't wait for that day, that moment, when I do know without a doubt that it is you and that I am in love.

Until then, I'm going to keep trusting in God, and keep my heart protected as much as possible. Because if this isn't you, I don't want you to have to pick up the pieces of a broken heart because I was irresponsible.

I love you so much more than you can ever imagine.

Just a Girl,
Someday a Wife

There's a drumming noise inside my head with such an almighty sound

Husband,

God has always worked in mysterious and unexplainable ways in my life. Always. If it's the weirdest way that it can happen, it's likely it will happen this way.

The same can be said about what's going on right now. I can't even begin to explain it. When I try to tell other people, words can't really express the strange depth of what is going on here.

I don't really know what this is, but I have a feeling about this that I've never had before. I don't know what that feeling means. I just know that it means something. I'm sure only time will tell what (unless God feels so inclined to tell me).

You are so special to me. Wherever we are when you read this, I hope you appreciate the journey it took us to get there. Each and every relationship that came in and out of our lives. Every person, every kiss, every prayer and every step. No matter what happened before US, the things that occurred are what brought us to where we are now. And for that, I know I am grateful.

I can't wait til the day when I look in your face and I know that you're YOU. To know that you're the one who will be with me forever. The one who will hold me and love me and be with me for every milestone.

I love you so much more than words can describe.

Love you always,
Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

Oh, to have the desires of my heart.

Father,

I long for a husband like Boaz; a man who puts you above all else and trusts in you no matter the situation. A man whose heart is after your own and whose passion to live for you shines in all he does.

I want a man who loves me so much that it pains him, just as it will pain me to love him that much.

I'm still frightened sometimes, afraid that I'll have no choice but to settle for a man who is only half-hearted in his passion for You and who will only sort of love me. Those fears remain ever present and increasingly stronger the longer it is that I don't meet a man who falls into my heart's desire.

Despite that fear, I trust you, Father. I trust that you will not let me down and that you will provide me with my heart's desire. It's hard. Trusting when not seeing results. But I guess that's why it is called faith.

Help me to stand firm in that trust despite my fears. Help me to be strong and to hear your voice and feel your gentle nudge when it is time.

Your plan is the perfect plan and because of that, I will wait for you instead of taking it into my own hands.

Love you Daddy.

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

I thought I saw your face today, but I just turned my head away

Husband,

I can't begin to describe the sense of freedom that has come from being on my own for a little bit now. Don't get me wrong, I want you in my life and there are moments where I wish you were here more than anything, but I'm also happy to just be me and Dad for a little bit.

There's a lot I still have to learn about myself, and I feel like I've been finding out who I am in leaps and bounds now.

I'm going on adventures by myself, doing things I never thought I could do and finding comfort and company in simply being alone and doing what I want to do. I'm slowly beginning to attempt to reconnect with friends who have been out of my life for a while and rediscovering how friendship feels.

I do kind of have one request though. If possible, can you try to be in my life before my sister's wedding? I'm really not looking forward to being the only single person there.

Love you to infinity and beyond,
Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

It takes a lot to stand above the rest, well I've found the best...

Hey handsome,

In the past few weeks since the breakup I've learned a lot about myself.

I've learned I feel beautiful even without having a man to make me feel that way. I'm confident. I have the capability to be around someone I'm attracted to and not flounder under the expectation that I need to find a way to attract them.

But I've also learned some things about me and relationships.

I've realized there are certain things I seem to settle for every time, and end up missing them without even knowing I've missed them.

As selfish as it may be, you're going to adore me. But, I would expect that I'll adore you too. If there's no adoration and dedication there, then where is the incentive to be with that person instead of someone else?

I'm happy these days. Not the elated kind of happy I used to get when I was a little wonky, but the kind of happy that comes from being satisfied with yourself and with life. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have you in my life right now. But since you're not, I'm kind of content to just sit around and wait.

Anyways, just wanted to say a quick hello tonight and let you know how I'm doing.

Love you always,
Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

I will solve your mystery, make it ancient history.

Hello Dear,

Firstly, there's a few more things that I added to the list after thinking/praying about it more.

1.     Must have a great sense of humour.

2.     Must laugh at my jokes.

3.     Must think I’m at my cutest when I look my worst (or at least tell me that)

4.     Must be supportive of my goals and pursuit of career (but also able to tell me when I’m taking on too much or dreaming to the point its affecting reality).

5.     Can handle me at my crazy moments and still love me despite it all.

6.     Wants to have a relationship built with God

7.     Be willing to pray and study the Bible together.

8.     Be willing to watch chick-flicks/rom coms with me.

Secondly. I realized something last night as I was rocking out by myself. I don't want to be the kind of girl who gets lost in a relationship. I tried that already, and it left me often feeling like something was missing in my life. I need you to be the kind of person who not only likes me as I am, but who likes me for being me. I need you to be the kind of person who's not embarrassed by my liking going to movies by myself when no-one can go with me, or geeking out hardcore over the latest comic book movie. I need someone who can admire the fact that I can stand at a concert by myself and dance like no-one's watching because having people around shouldn't influence my capability to have fun.

But I also hope you're someone who can do those things with me. Someone who wants to do those things with me.

I want to be able to be spontaneous with you. To go on random adventures, to be able to act like idiots because we don't care who's watching.

I know you're probably all these things. That you love me because I am me and that we mesh well together. I guess right now I'm just frustrated because it seems like no matter how much a guy likes who I am, I always have to let go of who I am when I am with them. And I don't want that.

But truth is, I know I don't really have to worry about you. Because God knows both our needs, and He's not going to stick either one of us with someone who would make us compromise who we are.

I just wish He wasn't taking His sweet time in bringing you to me.

Love you a million red m&m's,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

(50 bonus points my dear, if you actually know where some of my sign-offs are referenced from ;) )

The List.

Husband,

I've finally sat down and done it. I've written 'The List'. I'm putting it here to help keep myself accountable, but also because it will be interesting to see how well you match up to the list. Don't worry if you don't... if there are things that differ, it just means my tastes changed ;)

Love you!

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

THE LIST

1.     Must be a Christian. Cannot afford to compromise this again as it makes things too difficult.

2.     Will like being involved with each other’s friends.

3.     Family is important, especially in being involved with each other’s.

4.     Outgoing. Likes to just go out and do random things.

5.     Outdoorsy. Likes to camp, hike, just hang out at the lake.

6.     Loves music. Preferably a variety of music, but as long as it’s not solely country, hip hop, rap or R&B I’m content.

7.     Willing to change his facebook status. It’s silly, I know, but indulge me a little. It’s not like I’m high-maintenance.

8.     Geeky. At least a little geeky. I don’t know what I’d do if I was with a guy who couldn’t geek out.

9.     Taller than me. I’m short enough as it is, I couldn’t handle someone shorter.

10.  Is adventurous. And random.

11.  Can be completely silly or totally serious.

12.  Has his own car/license.

13.  Able to support himself.

14.  Has goals for the future.

15.  Likes to sing, even if he can’t sing well.

16.  Is good with finances (since I’m TERRIBLE at them).

17.  Is a good communicator. A good relationship requires a lot of communication.

18.  In tune with his emotions.

19.  Somewhat sensitive, but not overly so.

20.  Doesn’t smoke.

21.  Doesn’t smoke weed or other drugs.

22.  Not a heavy drinker.

23.  Loves me endlessly!

We like the same things and I like your style Its not a secret; why do you keep it? I'm just sitting on the shelf

Husband,

Do you ever wonder where I am at this very moment? Do you ever get frustrated that I am not there or that you have to wait longer?

I get that way sometimes. Especially when all my friends are getting married around me, and I don't even have you in the frame somewhere.

I know it's kind of mean to say, but I kind of hope you do feel the same way sometimes, so that you can understand what it is I'm going through... so that I'm not going through it alone.

I still need to write that list. I've been procrastinating because it's a tedious task, and because it means letting go of it and trusting God to meet it once it's written.

Sometimes I still need to fight that nagging feeling that you aren't out there at all, or that I'm not good enough for the kind of man I want. I know it's not true, but it is still hard to remember that sometimes.

Maybe getting that list written out will help.

I wonder if you ever wrote out a list for the things I needed to be?

Love you always.
Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

I'm sticking with you, cause I'm made out of glue...

Love of my life,

I've been doing a lot of emotional dumping on you lately. Pouring out my turmoil and pain about a man that isn't even you... and even prior to that, talking again about a man who was in my life that wasn't you.

So I want to pause for a moment in my journey, and remind you how much I love you. I haven't even met you yet, but I know I love you far beyond a capacity of which I have ever experienced before.

I know you make me smile a smile that no-one else has ever been able to make me do, and laugh harder than anyone has ever laughed.

I know there's cute and silly little romantic things you do for me that make me feel like the most special woman in the world (and since I somehow landed you, I would say that is true).

I hope you know that you inspire me. You help me to find the words that I could not find, and you fill me with a courage to press on with only hope at my side.

You are far more handsome than any other man I've met, and my heart skips a beat whenever I see you. Even when I'm mad at you, I think the world of you.

You are wonderful.

You are my Mr. Darcy, even if you may not be quite as witty as him ;)

I love you always, forever and to infinity and beyond.

Just a Girl,
Someday a Wife

If you're going to marry me, you better like Disney World.

Husband,

I've been a little slow when it comes to actually writing out that list, thanks in large part to the fact that I'm not really energized these days. But that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about it. In fact, I pour over different things that should be on that list every single day.

Today I concluded three things that are must haves.

#1 - You have to be willing to go to Walt Disney World for our honeymoon. I don't care if you think it's silly. I love Disney World. And besides, you don't want to take me anywhere else because I won't end up paying attention to you. This isn't a bribe. I've been to Disney enough times that it's not new. So enjoying it with you would be a new and exciting adventure. If you take me anywhere else, I can promise you that I would end up completely geeking out and getting all 'history buff' on you. I would be far more interested in the historical landmarks and exploring than focusing on you.

I'm sorry. It's not you, it really is me. I can't help it; I'm a sucker for that kind of stuff.

Besides... I REALLY want to go to Disney World for our honeymoon (and of course, we'd have to visit Universal too).

#2 - You must be a geek. If not full geek, at least partial. I need a man who is capable of completely geeking out with me, and playing video games or doing other nerdy stuff. I need someone who will understand my geek references and enjoy watching my sci-fi movies and shows with me.

#3 - You need to have good taste in music and that good taste must include liking a variety. I don't care if you prefer one genre over the others (heck, I totally prefer alt rock and indie), but you've got to love listening to the other stuff too. It's very difficult to date a guy who won't let me rock out to Daft Punk or blast Black Eyed Peas and Cascada once in a while.

Of course, listing these qualities to you probably won't do much, because by the time you read this I'll have already found out if you have them or not. Clearly these aren't dealbreakers... but if it has turned out that you are lacking these qualities and are laughing at me right now as you read this, I can promise you... do any of these three things, and you'll make me the happiest person ever.

But I hope you realize we'll be going to Disney World every few summers. You can blame that one on my dad... he's the one who had us fall in love with doing that.

P.S. Just thought I'd through it in there.... you better be willing to change your facebook status to show in a relationship with me. I want to know you're totally for me, damnit!

Love you always,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

I said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now...

Husband,

Today has been what I would consider the hardest day yet. My stomach was in knots all day; everything I did somehow seemed to be reminding me of him. I'd try to distract myself, but thoughts of how he probably doesn't even miss me would begin to take over my mind.

I knew there would be days like this. I knew I'd have those moments where I'd realize that I'm not as emotionally disconnected as I had hoped and the hurt and the pain would fight at the edge of my mind all day. I guess a part of me just hoped that I would somehow manage to avoid them.

In time, it will stop. The hurt will go away, the knots will stop forming and I'll be able to move forward again.

Ten years ago, I thought I would be married by now. Maybe having children... settled in a career... all of that. Sometimes, I'm happy that didn't happen. That my plan didn't come true. Other times I'm reminded of how nice it would be to have someone I could rely on, someone that was as much a part of me as I am of them.

Still... it's nice to know that one day I'll have that. Whenever that may be.

I hope you're having an easier time than I am right now.

Love you to the moon and back,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

Lately the weather has been so bipolar, and consequently so have I...

Husband,

Break-ups are hard. Even when you can stay positive for the most part, the struggles still come in. I have my moments; moments when that positivity and hope for the future elude me and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

Thankfully I have a huge net of support to help me, along with a God who seems intent on making sure I walk away from this almost completely unscathed.

I'm starting to see more of the things I tried to ignore that would have made a long-term relationship with him, at the very least, uncomfortably difficult. Not to say he's a bad guy... he wasn't. He was so good to me, he was caring and he made me feel more beautiful and wanted than I've ever felt.

But there were a lot of things, starting of course with the differences in belief. As much as he was supportive of my faith it was difficult not being able to share it with him... to have a relationship with him and God.

I think in my heart I knew that it wasn't right, I just wasn't ready to let go. I'm sure there's a part of me that still isn't ready, but that will pass. I miss him. But I suppose it's normal to miss someone who you spent nearly every day for 9 months straight with, and those days you didn't, you texted all day.

There's a lot of the silly things that I'm realizing got to me about the relationship thing to. Things like, he didn't want his Facebook status changed from single, or even to say he was in a relationship with me. I want someone who's proud to be with me, and who isn't afraid of their friends and family seeing that we're together.

Do me a favour? I know they're silly things... but indulge me a bit when we're together?

Love you always and forever.

Just a girl,
Someday a Wife

This too shall pass.

Husband,

My suspicions from before have proven to be true. He wasn't you.

There's a big part of me that's kind of happy about it. Certain things I was willing to compromise that I really didn't want to.

I thought I'd be struggling more with this. After all, this was my first mature/serious relationship. At first, it hurt a lot. I cried a lot harder than I had in a long time. But today, I'm fine.

More than fine actually. I'm happy. I'm looking forward to things that I couldn't really do before. I'm excited about what's to come, about the things I can do, the people I can see. The freedom I have again. That surprises me. But I think it's a good thing. I think it's God's way of reminding me that there's so much more to come for me.

I'm going to rewrite my list for you... then release it up to God. Because next time, I'm hoping it will be you. But if it's not... I'm kind of okay with that.

Love you always,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, so tell me baby what I've got to lose...

Husband,

I know it's probably not the best thing to gloat about, but right now, I feel on top of the world. It's amazing, realizing that I have all the things my classmates told me I would never have growing up. That I was too ugly, too fat, too geeky, not hot enough to ever have a guy truly into me, to ever be somebody.

I'm not famous, but I'm somebody. I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, but I know I'm attractive. And best of all? I have a smoking hot boyfriend who adores me. Who thinks I'm beautiful, sexy, funny, intelligent and LOVES the fact that I am geeky.

And you know what the greatest part is? Knowing that you'll feel that way too.

I can't deny it was hard to not agree with the predictions of peers, friends and family when the guys I was ever with treated me horribly, and those that were physically attracted to me only saw that attraction so long as I was willing to put out. When I said no, they ditched me feeling worthless, telling me I had nothing to hold a guy's attention.

But, I digress. The point is that it feels incredible to realize that I am everything they said I wasn't. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to flaunt that a little bit.

Is it wrong that I am feeling like this?

Love you always,
Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

Where you see a map to guide me, I see no paths in sight..

Father,

It's hard to sit here and say that I understand more now about love and your will for my love than I did before. Because the truth is, I don't.

I think I have you to thank for keeping me so much more level-headed thus far than I normally am though. I know I tend to get carried away with over-analyzing and getting upset and so on and so forth.

When you're not in a relationship it's so simple to take all the things we think we know about the rules and what you want, and lay them out in a perfect little list to display what we will and will not do and what we want and do not want.

But reality is a little bit more complicated. It's harder to put all these things into a list and stick exactly to them. It's so easy to idealize and fantasize about the way things should be when you don't have anything there to set the parameters on. Not saying that what exists is any less, but rather that it's a completely different story.

Anyways, I'm not sure where I'm going with this Father, except to say that I wish there was a little more clarity when one gets involved in a relationship.

I'm sure I'll shed more light on this with less rambling when my thoughts are gathered better.

Love you daddy.

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife.

Is it strange to not be in love?

Husband,

I'm not used to not falling in love in a relationship. What I'm used to is being head over heels, with constant butterflies and shaking knees. But not this time. And you know what? I don't think it's a bad thing.

I often find myself wondering what exactly this is. Where it is going. It's strange to know that if this were to end tomorrow, as much as it would hurt and I would be sorry it was gone, I would not be heartbroken. I would not be turning to a dark place like I have in the past. But at the same time, I don't want it to end. I want it to eventually lead to love. I wouldn't mind him being you.

I've never been this level-headed in a relationship before. It's nice. I think it's far healthier than any of the other relationships where I was driven by emotion and the false presumption of love. The stress I used to have is gone. I feel more carefree, more capable of being a good girlfriend because I'm not so overtly paranoid that I am being a bad one.

And I think the length of this relationship, though still short, is proof that there is something stronger going on this time around. That it has easily outlasted every relationship I've ever had, without even having a struggle is evidence that at least, I'm doing something right.

I don't love him. Maybe I will one day, maybe I won't. But you know what? I'm kind of happy I don't. I'm not ready for love and the level of commitment it brings. I'm ready for learning the foundations of a relationship though, and I believe that if nothing else, this relationship is successfully teaching me that.

And hey, at least I know while not in love, I am definitely in like.

If he's not you, I hope you are not jealous of him. As much as I adore him, I adore you too, and more.

Besides, you'll have him to thank for my ability to actually have a healthy relationship. He's half of the party that's teaching me. The other half is God. I have no illusions that I am somehow doing this on my own, because really, we all know I'm a little too crazy for that.

Love you dear!
Just a Girl, Someday a Wife