....you get enough tears to fill an ocean
WHY? WHY WHY WHY? Why is it that after these years of convincing myself I'm over him, it turns out that not only am I not, but I still love him.
What's the point? He doesn't love me. He won't ever.
So why does my heart want what it won't ever have?
It was easy to convince myself I no longer loved him when he wasn't around that much. Even at the party he held; for the most part, he acted like enough of a goof, and there were so many other people distracting me that my emotions thought I had the upper hand.
Then he came up this weekend with one of my other buddies. And things changed. Last night, I could write it off merely as shadows of what once was. Flickers of feelings I once felt, but nothing true, real or serious.
Today... it became more apparent that those feelings were not just shadows. They were the still beating emotions of my heart... the ones I had managed to keep buried for so long.
The first hint came when we were at church. He was beside me, and so during worship, of course his voice was the one I heard. I always loved his singing voice. It always had the ability to make my heart melt.
Then, as the day went on I was just... so much more aware of his presence around me, and how comfortable I felt when he was around... when he is around. Like having him with me is more than just normal; it's right.
We had a barbecue later that afternoon, and a friend from church joined us. She pointed out that He reminded her of a fellow from church... a fellow that I had crushed on hardcore for the last two years. And it dawned on me... I had spent the last two years trying to figure out who that guy reminded me of and why I liked it so much. That was the main moment it hit me like a brick.
All this time I had been trying to bury my feelings, I had actually been subconsciously turning towards 'the next best thing' (not meaning in any way that the guy was less than him... just well.. you know right?).
During our campfire, he chose to sit beside me... and sat awfully close, for me being the only other person on that bench-swing. We got talking about deep things... and that's when the pain arose.
When we were first interested in each other... we would spend hours upon hours just sitting on his bed, talking about the deepest, most controversial and emotional topics we could think of... most of them, surrounding God and being a Christian.
Father, I started crying, and it was so hard to hide it. The pain was just washing over me in waves. I had to busy myself putting away the snacks, then wander the yard pretending to look at stars so that I could let the tears flow.
God, it hurts. Even now, writing this, I am fighting off the pain.
How can I still love him after all this time? Why do I still love him?
Father, it hurts to love him... and just when I thought I was past it... this all comes back. Father, I can't deal with this. I can't! I don't want to shove him out of my life as a friend; not having him there for those three years wasn't right. Everything about it felt wrong.
Why does my mind have to wonder and think about the things I've always noticed would make us compatible in marriage? Or to pick up on the areas that he's grown in, that I always knew he'd need to be stronger in.
God, HE BROKE MY HEART!!!! He left me shattered and hating myself more than anything ever before! WHY DO I STILL LOVE HIM!
I'm frustrated, angry and hurt. I'm not angry with you father, but I am confused. PLEASE give me something, anything!!!!!!
Your hurting daughter,
Just a Girl, Someday a Wife
