the dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet

Father;

Love is a crazy thing. Not to say that I'm linking what's going on right now with being in love, but it is a step towards that final goal is it not?

It's crazy because there's so much about love that you have to be cautious of, both for yourself and for the other person. And it's dangerous because if you are not firm in who you are, it can take you and throw you over a cliff, left dangling for life and not really knowing which direction is the safest to move in.

That security in oneself seems to be something that many of us struggle to find. It's been one of my biggest stumbling points for years. But of course, you know that already, Dad. You've known I would struggle with that before I was even born.

Sometimes I want to blame you for it. Blame you for all the short relationships where I've been left for someone better, or where I'm pretty sure I was cheated on because I wasn't willing to give up enough. Sometimes, I want to scream and yell and accuse you of enjoying watching me go through that kind of pain time and time again.

But of course, it's not your fault. You didn't make me date those guys, and you certainly didn't tell me to dive in head first without keeping any barriers around my heart. You didn't teach me that my worth was measured by who wanted me and how long they wanted me for.

I'm working on trying to break that line of thinking, but Daddy, I don't think I can fully crush it without you. I'm learning to roll with the punches and not take them personally. To understand that if things don't work out, it doesn't mean I'm worthless. But that fear still haunts at the edge of my mind. That's where you come in. This battle I believe is beyond me. It's one of my weakest points, and probably the point where I will continue to be assaulted the most.

But I know, in my mind, and buried in my heart that nothing that happens is a reflection of my worth.

Help to give me the strength and to remember that every day father.

Love your daughter,
Just a Girl, Someday a wife.

Slow down, always on the run....

Husband;

I find myself in a situation once again that I always aim to avoid and constantly fail at doing so. It's been so long since I've been in it, and it's got a slightly different twist, but I find I am having trouble keeping out of the same steps that I tend to fall into so easily.

Maybe I'm just sleep deprived; maybe it's just my anxiety, but its less than a week in and already the panic is attacking me.

Have you ever been in a situation where things have moved far too fast, and when the brakes are applied, you're left wondering whether the other person is still interested, or if they've decided they're done?

It's silly really. I know it's dumb, and that I'm trying to read into things I shouldn't. It's the one thing I hate about the fact that I am still a girl. I can play it cool, I can be okay with the slow approach and just letting things kind of grow on their own time, but my mind still likes to try to convince me to react like a girl. Curse my female brain!

I'm thankful at this moment for guy friends that I can talk to openly about things like this, because it helps me calm down that panic. It levels me out and reminds me why I try not to listen to that sign of my brain in the first place.

I'm still scared... I can't lie. This is the first 'dating' experience I've had in nearly four years. While it's only been a few days, I'm really interested already. I'm scared, because I know if he pulls away, decides there's no more mutual interest, that I will be left trying to fight off the sense that something is wrong with me. I'm scared, because it's the first time in so long there's been such intense mutual interest. And I'm still scared that I'm going to end up not being good enough. It's my continuous battle. It always has been, and I really do think it's going to take you to help me break that. Not that it's your responsibility to repair my self-esteem issues, but I think it's that having never had a guy be willing to make a committment to me makes it hard for me to feel like it's possible.

I'm holding onto hope, because I know it's the only thing I can do, other than prayer. Hubby, I'm scared shitless. I really wouldn't mind getting to skip to the part where you can hug and comfort me right now.

Love you always and forever,
Just a girl, someday a wife

The stars lean out to kiss you as violet eyes do miss you.

Husband;

I've always wondered what it's like to be a man when it comes to getting interested in someone. For us women, it's full of butterflies and gushy feelings, fantasizing and weak knees. It's the desire to see and talk to the guy day and night; and having to hold back and fight against those instincts that are corrupted by the excitement of mutual attraction.

I've always wondered if guys feel the same at the start of a relationship. Do you feel that same need to be around, just learning as much about me as I do about you? I have a hunger not just for your presence, but to be able to find out who you are; to get to know your quirks and oddities, faults and positive traits.

I have to try so hard not to run away with my emotions and get ahead of myself. My ability to look at things realistically, and the past help with that, but it's a constant battle against what my mind is trying to tell me to do. Thankfully, I have a little help with that these days.

Are you the same way though? Does the prospect of a relationship keep pecking at your mind, trying to get you to figure out where it's going?

It's so much worse when it's so early on. I have to find this balance between rushing headfirst into feelings and what my heart wants, and remembering that it is still early and a lot of what my heart wants is based on chemistry, lust, and the excitement of a mutual connection.

I've set aside a few rules for myself when entering into the first stages, just to make sure I don't jump too fast.

1. Keep day-dreaming to a bare minimum, and keep reminding myself that it's just to get these damn daydreams exhausted so that they stop.
2. No listening to mushy love songs.
3. Avoid chick flicks/romance at all costs.
4. Keep expectations at a bare minimum. The less expectations I have, the less I could get hurt, should this not turn out.
5. PRAY all the time about it.
6. Don't rush things.

I'd love to hear what your level headed list would be like. Maybe one day I'll get to know.

Love you always, forever and beyond.

Just a girl, Someday a wife.

My heart is pounding in my chest;I'm losing my every breath

Daddy;

It's been a while since I've talked to you about all of this. I've mentioned my longings and hurts in bed time prayers and random thoughts. But I haven't gone into detail.

I want to thank you for releasing me of my feelings for him. It's so much more freeing not being tied to him in any form of thoughts or feelings. It's a relief.

But dad... it's starting to worry me that even mom seems intent on me being set up with someone. Like something must be wrong that I'm still not dating; that someone still isn't falling for me.

I am trying so hard to not jump at every potential opportunity, obsess over every potential crush. It feels strange not to have a crush right now. It's liberating. But at the same time, it does kind of scare me.

I still want so desperately to fall in love. To have a man who wants me in his life.

Father,

Hold my heart. Comfort it. Strengthen it.

Because right now... I need all those things. I need you. I need to feel your love; to feel it intensely enough that I can remember how I only need your love. Your love is enough. I know that in my head, but sometimes my heart needs that reminder.