I'm not used to not falling in love in a relationship. What I'm used to is being head over heels, with constant butterflies and shaking knees. But not this time. And you know what? I don't think it's a bad thing.
I often find myself wondering what exactly this is. Where it is going. It's strange to know that if this were to end tomorrow, as much as it would hurt and I would be sorry it was gone, I would not be heartbroken. I would not be turning to a dark place like I have in the past. But at the same time, I don't want it to end. I want it to eventually lead to love. I wouldn't mind him being you.
I've never been this level-headed in a relationship before. It's nice. I think it's far healthier than any of the other relationships where I was driven by emotion and the false presumption of love. The stress I used to have is gone. I feel more carefree, more capable of being a good girlfriend because I'm not so overtly paranoid that I am being a bad one.
And I think the length of this relationship, though still short, is proof that there is something stronger going on this time around. That it has easily outlasted every relationship I've ever had, without even having a struggle is evidence that at least, I'm doing something right.
I don't love him. Maybe I will one day, maybe I won't. But you know what? I'm kind of happy I don't. I'm not ready for love and the level of commitment it brings. I'm ready for learning the foundations of a relationship though, and I believe that if nothing else, this relationship is successfully teaching me that.
And hey, at least I know while not in love, I am definitely in like.
If he's not you, I hope you are not jealous of him. As much as I adore him, I adore you too, and more.
Besides, you'll have him to thank for my ability to actually have a healthy relationship. He's half of the party that's teaching me. The other half is God. I have no illusions that I am somehow doing this on my own, because really, we all know I'm a little too crazy for that.
Love you dear!
Just a Girl, Someday a Wife
