This time I wonder what it feels like to find the one in this life, the one we all dream of...

Husband;

I wonder if waiting for me to come into your life is as difficult as it is for me to be patient while I wait for you to enter mine. I know there's a chance you're already here, but it would be nice to have you here romantically or at least with a hint that its you.

It feels kind of odd that I'm going on twenty-four, and I've never had a real serious boyfriend. Actually... scratch that. I'm not a fan of the term boyfriend or girlfriend... it feels so high school. Reword - It feels strange being this age and never having had a serious relationship. Sure, I've had relationships I thought were going to turn serious, but in hindsight, I can see how those kind of expectations were too high for the types of guys I chose to date.

At the same time, I am somewhat glad that I haven't had a true serious relationship, as it means there's a lot more of myself than just my body which I haven't given away. I have faith that the next man I get involved with will be you. And the truth is, you're the only one I ever want to share the type of intimacy with that comes with a serious relationship. When I give you all of me, I don't want it to be sloppy seconds in any area. You will be the first to get my body, soul and mind completely, and the first to truly get my heart.

Although I've encountered heartbreak, I don't think I've ever fully given my heart. More often than not, I think I mourned and hurt over the loss of thinking I was going to give away my heart. I suppose its the one place in which my walls that I've built up actually did some good instead of damage. In a sense, I guess that's kind of an interesting thing to think about. I mean, I fell in love once... but my heart still remained my own. I wonder how that truly works? I guess, because love is a feeling, whereas giving away your heart is like giving access to everything you are.

At least through all my struggles, I can remind myself of the fact that you are totally worth all the waiting and struggling and frustration.

Love you,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

P.S. Love your face.

Lately the weather has been so bi-polar and consequently so have I.

Lord,

The hardest thing I'm finding is to lean on you when I'm frustrated, tired and upset. It's times like these I almost feel like I could relate to Christ when He cried out 'Father, Father, why have you foresaken me?' Although I know that you haven't abandoned me, sometimes it feels like you have, and I need to remind myself that your silence doesn't reflect abandonment (I suppose that just means that I really struggle with issues of abandonment then, huh?). I want to be able to give this all to you and move on with a smile on my face and joy in my heart, but sometimes it feels like the least possible thing to do.

I do owe you a thank-you for giving me the knowledge on how to deal with crushes much better. Though I may struggle at times, I think that's normal. Plus, thank you for giving me the strength to have fewer crushes. I know that a lot of my crushes were more like rebounds to get over a crush that I had determined would never feel the same way, but often having that many new crushes all the time made me feel flustered, upset, and even made me question my worth sometimes. I am glad that I am no longer ruled by that lie, however.

It's still somewhat difficult to watch people be all 'couple-ish' with each other. I wonder why I can't have that, or why it's not time for me yet.

But ultimately, you are still in control, and I just have to trust in that. Thank you Lord, that even when we feel like we are alone, you are walking right there with us, guiding us still.

Love you always,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

You better think twice before you roll the dice, better think twice before you give your heart away...

Dear Father,

Your silence on this matter is really frustrating me. I've learned not to rely on feelings, because they are fickle and can change quickly and without warning.

But Lord, this young man has been the cause for butterflies for two years now, and not only are the butterflies refusing to flit away, but they are getting larger as time goes on. I trust you. I trust that your will and your plan will be carried out. But I can't deny that I am frustrated. For the last week straight, every night I have dreamed about him, and about interacting with him in a relationship-type manner.

This makes patience very hard. I don't want to leap forward and try to find answers for myself, but its becoming so much more difficult not to just charge forward.

You know what's even more frustrating Lord? He barely knows I exist!

Well... that is not entirely true. He knows I exist, and we talk once in a while... even exchange playful insults in groups at church. Once in a while, I swear I catch him looking at me, but of course, I could be imagining things, or interpreting them with wishful thinking.

Why will he not leave my thoughts Lord? And why do you continue to allow me to dream of him? Your silence isn't helping me any, and though I know you have a reason for it, couldn't you just tell me *something*?

Please help me Lord.

Love your [frustrated] daughter,
Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

And you can tell everybody that this is your song, it might be quite simple...

Hello Hubby-dearest!

So I'm trying to work on this whole keeping myself accountable thing, both to God, and to you (even though you aren't in my life yet, I figure the sooner I get practice in, the better). Mostly I'm focusing on my actions towards guys in general, but also my habits with male friends. Of course, this will also all go into practice when you and I start courting, or dating, or whatever we decide to call it (please let me call it courting, it's so much more romantic that way!!!).

I'm doing this, because I don't want to compromise myself or my purity at all, so I've been working on getting friends to call me out on actions that might be read as other intentions when I'm interacting with guys. I can't deny that the way I act with guys can often be considered flirtatious, and I don't want that to be the case. I've also HIGHLY started limiting the time I am alone with any guys, friends, strangers, whatever. I learned the hard way, that whether you intend it or not, a lot of alone time can lead to a level of intimacy that is often inappropriate for 'just friends'. It also makes it a lot harder for me not to pine after guys, especially if there is already an attraction to them.

On the one hand though, it's really made me aware of how innocently affairs can begin, and helped me to understand that especially with how easy I connect with people, this will be something that I need to be careful of. I don't doubt my commitment to you at all, nor do I think I would ever physically betray you. But one of the biggest lessons I've learned over the last year or so is that relational intimacy can cause a type of 'emotional affair' where you become more attached to a person, without fully realizing it until it's too late. I don't ever want to do that to you. Our marriage is far too precious to risk screwing up. But as someone who connects easily on an emotional level with others, it means that keeping myself appropriate is something that has to be learned, and that I have to execute caution with.

Besides that, as long as I am not putting myself in a position where I am constantly alone with other guys, it protects my image and integrity as well.

Love you always and forever;

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

You need that boy like a bowling ball dropped on your head, which means not at all.

Dear God;

When I sit down to think about it (or especially when I'm not thinking about it at all!), it's not really *that* bad being single right now. I have opportunities to do things that I probably would not have when I'm married, or even in a relationship. Plus, it's nice only having to really worry about myself right now.

I think I am, for the most part, becoming more content with You as the only man in my life. I still struggle, but I suppose that's part of what makes me human, having to face the battles of the flesh.

I've also noticed, that as I grow closer to Godly women, rather than Godly men, I feel fulfilled in friendship. Which could be perhaps why, after no longer being able to see my former roommate, that I feel empty not having that anymore. However, I am so thankful for that time I had, to have someone to talk to and to be completely open with, but also to receive advice from in a Godly manner.

While my mother is good for that sometimes, often times, she doesn't understand. I still blame it on generational issues, but who knows. It is nice however, to know that I can come to You, and be completely candid about how I'm feeling, and what I'm facing, and know that I won't be judged, but I will be loved.

And on the other hand, as of late, you have brought back into my life a friend I have cherished for years, and I am hoping and believing that through You, our friendship will continue to strengthen. She has far more wisdom than I think she realizes, and just to say hello to her brings a smile to my face, and reminds me that I am not alone in my struggles.

I'm not as close with men as I used to be, friendship wise, and I am starting to think that may be a good thing. I suppose there comes a time in your life (even for us tom-boys), where the most positive influence in your life must come from women, rather than men.

I suppose thats just one of those things that comes with growing up.

Please, continue to give me the strength to be patient, because on my own, patience fades away.

Love your daughter,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

Just so you know, I'm still in your sweater boy.

Husband,

I am so incredibly frustrated right now. Frustrated beyond belief. I know in my heart, I desire to pursue things the way I have stated, but it does not seem to make feelings and all that stuff go away.

I want to be in your arms right now, hearing you tell me I'm beautiful and that you love me. Instead, I am alone on a Friday night, reading blogs and listening to worship music to lift my spirits.

I wonder if you are in the same position as me right now, just wanting to bang your head off the wall because you are so stressed out about this whole thing.

There are times I want to scream screw it all, and just start trying to date for the heck of it, to get that filling of intimacy through that way. But of course, I know that is dumb, and that I would merely end up kicking myself in the end. Only God can provide that fulfillment.

And on a kind of positive note, its the fact that this desire for marriage and a family burns so strongly in me that keeps me hoping it is not too far off.

But seriously. If you are actually present somewhere in my life at this time, and just aren't making a move, don't be surprised if I totally freak on you later on for it.

It's not easy, being nearly 24 and watching so many people I know getting married... and feeling like somehow, I've been left behind. I think it scares me too, knowing that there aren't really any prospects around me. But I have to trust in the Lord, I need to rely on Him.

I love you so much, and I hope you never doubt that.

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

The spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly

Dear... husband? Future spouse? Bunny-wunny? (Oh dear, I hope we don't have strange nicknames like that for each other!)

Not quite sure how to start this. It feels weird, writing to you when I don't even know who you are yet. I've now made it almost a year and a half on my vow not to date. I don't know if you're dating right now. Maybe you are, or maybe you've never dated. Maybe you're even in a serious relationship right now. Maybe you've made the same decision as me, to not date, but rather to court only when it becomes clear that something might really be there. It doesn't really matter though, because it will be your past that helps shape you into the man I will be married to.

I want you to know, the reasons I've stepped back from dating are not because I think I am better than that, or am trying to seem high and mighty. Rather, there are three main reasons.

1. dating is for me, too large of a distraction from God at this point in my life. I'm too unsure of who I am and unstable in how to become who I should be. Engaging in frivolous activities like casual dating at this point would thus do nothing more than drag me away from God.
2. All of my dating choices (prior to you of course) have been poor ones, resulting in me devaluing myself and sinking to levels I never would have DREAMED that I could possibly reach. See, I want to be pure for you; I want to be able to present myself to you on our wedding night spiritually and physically pure. I don't want to risk compromising that by becoming relationally or physically intimate with someone just for the sake of having intimacy (because lets face it, I'm a sucker for wanting intimacy in my life).
3. Lastly, I want to use this time to allow God to transform me into the woman you need me to be as your wife. And with another guy in the picture, that couldn't happen because I would be trying to conform to who he wanted me to be.

I hope that this will one day be one of the things that attracts you to me; not that I am something that is 'good', but that you will have an appreciation for my desire to be a Godly woman, and for my pursuit of putting Him and His will first. That rather than chasing after guys, I'm waiting for the one who's man enough to chase me, and who's Godly enough (or at least pursuing being a man of God) to want to stand firm in the same convictions I want in a relationship.

Love always and forever,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

Sugar, spice and everything nice... isn't that what girls are made of?

Dear God,

Maturity-wise, I think I am almost ready for marriage. I know there is still a lot that I need to do first though, such as falling completely head over heels in love with you.

I'm still not entirely sure how to do that, though I think I am getting closer. While my focus still slips, I think that you occupy my thoughts more often than before.

It's still really hard though, looking to fall in love with you, instead of with every cute guy I see. (Well, that I would fall in love with them is a bit of an exaggeration, but I can't deny that I dwell on the idea of falling in love with them). I try so hard to keep you as the forefront of my emotional thoughts, but I get caught up in the moment so many times. Sometimes its a guy with a personality like that of a man I would hope to marry, other times its a song that speaks perfectly to my feelings on wanting to fall in love. It's like everywhere I turn, there's something to pull me in the direction of falling in love the world's way, rather than falling in love with you first.

Lord, please help me to look to you above all else. I want to be so in love with you that I won't hesitate to hand over the reigns of my life to you.

Help me not to be attracted to or looking at so many men, in my desperate attempt to discover the man you have set apart for me. Whoever he is, I know he will be so much more than the guys I keep trying to make fit for me.

And Lord, teach me how to be content to let him chase me. You created me an independent and free spirit, so that I may serve you better in the areas that you have called me. But Lord, it's not in my inherent nature to be patient and wait for things to happen as you have willed them. Especially not when it concerns love and romance. I jump and leap forward at the slightest sign, and end up broken and bruised.

I am tired of that father, tired of having my heart broken and not being able to mend it back together. Lord, when I am ready to give my heart to the man you have set apart for me, I do not want to give him a shattered heart, but a heart that is full of love, first and foremost for you.

Please teach me how to step into the role you have called me as a woman to have in marriage. Help me to be submissive in the Holiest sense, and to refrain from stepping out in instances where I should instead be trusting.

I want a husband who is man enough to step up and take control of our relationship and own up to his feelings, even when he is unsure of how I feel in return.

Father, continue to shape me into a Godly woman and a Godly wife who is first and foremost, desperately in love with you.

I love you daddy,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

Somewhere, someday, my prince will come my way

It's not surprising that in this day and age, many young women (and young men), struggle with being single and waiting on God to bring that special person, that soulmate, into their lives.

I can't claim to be free of that burden myself. I am in fact, struggling with that regularly. On the one hand, it's a heavy burden that often leaves me feeling much less than happy, and wondering why, when so many find it with ease, that I cannot find love at all. On the other hand however, it is a relief, because I have learned over the years that God will not allow a burning desire (a true, un-sinful burning desire that is) in your heart if He has no intention to fill it. So I move forward each day trusting in God, and knowing that no matter how much I may pine or desire for that special relationship, it will be presented to me when it's time, and beyond that, the more I give it to God and let HIM be in control, the more amazing that relationship will be.

Perhaps I am strange, doing what I am doing, but I find God settles my heart, and my frustration the more I do this, and the more I turn to Him. When I am frustrated or upset, I write a letter to God on that frustration, followed by a letter to my future husband.

I have found by doing this, it allows me to take the focus off who my crush might be, and instead, focus on the idea that my future husband is out there one day. It also gives me the opportunity to truly communicate my feelings with God, and let Him be my comforter.

I can only pray and hope that my letters will help to encourage at least one other young woman out there, struggling with the same.

Yours in Christ,

Just A Girl, Someday a Wife