Despite my best attempts, I am still a girl...

Husband;

I'll admit it, I totally overreacted on that whole Christmas Dinner thing. I suppose he was a little elusive those days, but in hindsight it was more because of his extreme distaste for the time of year than it was to do with me.

We had a long talk and it was good.

It's New Year's Eve tonight, and he is off with his buddies playing DnD. I'm still not sure I'm okay with that, but I don't have much of a choice. I guess I worry that he isn't really all that focused on me; that though he cares, I don't hold much importance for him.

Of course, that could all be silliness. On the other hand, New Year's Eve with girls has always led to bad things with him, so I can kind of understand that.

I hate not being able to read minds. It would make this so much easier.

Love you.

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

Welcome to Dumpsville, Population? One.

Dear Husband;

I have a gut feeling that a break-up is on the way. All because I invited him to Christmas Dinner, and he didn't want to tell me no. In his mind, Christmas Dinner is serious business. In my mind, not so much so. But I can't help but feel like because he feels it is, he thinks I must feel it is. And since we're not really that serious... well, you get where I'm going with this.

I can't shake the gut feeling.

He said he'd call Christmas Day, and he never did. We texted off and on throughout the day, but that was it.

He hasn't really said anything to indicate it's over, but I can't shake this feeling in my gut. The one that tells me he has lost interest and is about to call it all off.

I'm not ready for it to end. I enjoy his company too much.

But I think I need to face the facts. He doesn't want to be serious, and no matter how much he likes me, that's not going to change that fact.

He thinks I'm more serious in it than I am.

And for his thinking, I think I'm about to get dumped.

My heart is caught up in my throat.

I'm scared. I just want to hear him say he wants to see me. Or he misses me.

But let's face it. The guy who hated going more than twenty-four hours without seeing me has made it clear he hasn't wanted to see me at all in the last three days. And pretty much hinted he won't want to see me tomorrow either.

And in my experience, those are heavy indications that the train to Dumpsville is about to pull into my station.

This sucks.

Love you.
Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

Diamonds, diamonds everywhere!

Courtesy Google Images

Father,

You know, the hardest part about being my age that I am finding, is watching practically everyone I know get married and get engaged.

I'm finding it an odd feeling right now, because I really want to be engaged, I want to be taking that step, but at the same time, at least with the boyfriend now, I am not quite ready for that. Our relationship is still incredibly young, and it still is way too early to be thinking about rings. Especially considering you know, we don't even know if that's were it is going to go at this point.

Yet I still find myself envious of all those getting engaged. As my younger sister prepares to move with her boyfriend, and soon get engaged, I wish it even more. It's hard, watching someone who was supposed to be married after you, getting ready to be married before you even have a solidified relationship with someone.

That being said, I am so thankful you have given me a reasonable head, that I can know that despite my stupid, girly 'cravings', I can be level-headed and know that getting married would be the dumbest move I could make right now.

Thank you for the BF you have so wonderfully blessed me with right now. Thank you that he is sweet, and charming, loving and funny. That he is supportive of me in my faith and endeavours, and that he adores me as much as I adore him. Thank you that he makes me happy, makes me smile, and makes my knees weak when he kisses me.

You are amazing Father; gracious and merciful, giving and loving. Thank you for finally answering my prayers in a manner much better than I could have imagined.

Love you daddy!

Just a girl, Someday a Wife

It's been a while....

Dear Husband,

I hope you do not think I have forgotten about you. I haven't. It's just, since starting a relationship, I've felt weird about writing to you. Realistically, I am not expecting that the man I am with right now is you. Considering it is my first REAL relationship, I am aware the chances are quite high that he will in fact, not be you.

Knowing that, and facing reality, I almost feel as if I am doing him a disservice by writing to you. It's foolish, I know, but I can't help it.

In the same way, I almost feel as if writing to you is in some way, cheating on him as well. It is him that I am with right now, and thus my thoughts and attentions should be focused on him.

Do not get me wrong, I do hope it is him. I do hope that you and he turn out to be the same person. But I know to write to you as if that is the definite future is foolish.

Still, despite how it has made me feel in the past, I miss writing to you. I miss it because, despite not actually knowing who you are, writing these letters has allowed me to feel connected to you in a way that I myself do not even understand.

Things have been a little stressful lately, and I've had to acknowledge that despite how far I grew with God over the last few years, the standstill I've come to with Him is a fault entirely of my own. Which is generally the case. But there's a lot I've had to face about it, some that I would rather not. But either way. It's going to be an interesting journey.

I've also found I've been longing to be closer to you a lot more lately. As my sister talks about getting engaged soon, and many of my friends are getting engaged/married and or are already married, I find myself longing for a ring. Not that the ring is important, but rather what it signifies.

Are you wishing you were that much closer to me as well? To be secure enough in our relationship that we know without a shadow of a doubt we are each other's 'One'?

I hope whereever you are and whoever you are with right now, you are happy. For the first time in a long time, I can say I am. Even if he isn't you, you have one thing to thank him for. He has restored my faith in decent, gentlemanlike, amazing guys who can make me feel like a princess. He's building some pretty big shoes for you to fill, but I am sure you will be able to do so.

Love you always,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife.

She said you're smooth, and good with talking....

Husband;

I made a decision last night. I had my reasons for it, and while I know they do not make it right, it was something that I needed to do. I hope you can understand that, and forgive me that the decision was made without you.

I also hope that you've had to make that decision at some point. Whether or not you came to the same conclusion won't matter to me. What matters is that you've had the opportunity to make that decision for yourself. That you've come to that bridge, and chosen whether or not to cross it based on what YOU wanted to do, not based on what others told you to do, or what you've been told is the right choice.

That was why I had to make the choice I did. I won't deny that I wanted that choice. I'm not daft enough to believe that ultimately the end justifies the means and all that stuff. But I needed to choose that for me. I needed to know that making that choice wouldn't end God's love for me; that making that choice would not suddenly turn me into a bad person.

There will be consequences, as all choices have whether they were good or bad, right or wrong. And I am ready to face those consequences.

I hope you can forgive me for the choice I made. It's not that I love you any less, because I don't. I know I love you to the ends of the earth and beyond.

Always yours;

Just a girl, someday a wife.

the dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet

Father;

Love is a crazy thing. Not to say that I'm linking what's going on right now with being in love, but it is a step towards that final goal is it not?

It's crazy because there's so much about love that you have to be cautious of, both for yourself and for the other person. And it's dangerous because if you are not firm in who you are, it can take you and throw you over a cliff, left dangling for life and not really knowing which direction is the safest to move in.

That security in oneself seems to be something that many of us struggle to find. It's been one of my biggest stumbling points for years. But of course, you know that already, Dad. You've known I would struggle with that before I was even born.

Sometimes I want to blame you for it. Blame you for all the short relationships where I've been left for someone better, or where I'm pretty sure I was cheated on because I wasn't willing to give up enough. Sometimes, I want to scream and yell and accuse you of enjoying watching me go through that kind of pain time and time again.

But of course, it's not your fault. You didn't make me date those guys, and you certainly didn't tell me to dive in head first without keeping any barriers around my heart. You didn't teach me that my worth was measured by who wanted me and how long they wanted me for.

I'm working on trying to break that line of thinking, but Daddy, I don't think I can fully crush it without you. I'm learning to roll with the punches and not take them personally. To understand that if things don't work out, it doesn't mean I'm worthless. But that fear still haunts at the edge of my mind. That's where you come in. This battle I believe is beyond me. It's one of my weakest points, and probably the point where I will continue to be assaulted the most.

But I know, in my mind, and buried in my heart that nothing that happens is a reflection of my worth.

Help to give me the strength and to remember that every day father.

Love your daughter,
Just a Girl, Someday a wife.

Slow down, always on the run....

Husband;

I find myself in a situation once again that I always aim to avoid and constantly fail at doing so. It's been so long since I've been in it, and it's got a slightly different twist, but I find I am having trouble keeping out of the same steps that I tend to fall into so easily.

Maybe I'm just sleep deprived; maybe it's just my anxiety, but its less than a week in and already the panic is attacking me.

Have you ever been in a situation where things have moved far too fast, and when the brakes are applied, you're left wondering whether the other person is still interested, or if they've decided they're done?

It's silly really. I know it's dumb, and that I'm trying to read into things I shouldn't. It's the one thing I hate about the fact that I am still a girl. I can play it cool, I can be okay with the slow approach and just letting things kind of grow on their own time, but my mind still likes to try to convince me to react like a girl. Curse my female brain!

I'm thankful at this moment for guy friends that I can talk to openly about things like this, because it helps me calm down that panic. It levels me out and reminds me why I try not to listen to that sign of my brain in the first place.

I'm still scared... I can't lie. This is the first 'dating' experience I've had in nearly four years. While it's only been a few days, I'm really interested already. I'm scared, because I know if he pulls away, decides there's no more mutual interest, that I will be left trying to fight off the sense that something is wrong with me. I'm scared, because it's the first time in so long there's been such intense mutual interest. And I'm still scared that I'm going to end up not being good enough. It's my continuous battle. It always has been, and I really do think it's going to take you to help me break that. Not that it's your responsibility to repair my self-esteem issues, but I think it's that having never had a guy be willing to make a committment to me makes it hard for me to feel like it's possible.

I'm holding onto hope, because I know it's the only thing I can do, other than prayer. Hubby, I'm scared shitless. I really wouldn't mind getting to skip to the part where you can hug and comfort me right now.

Love you always and forever,
Just a girl, someday a wife

The stars lean out to kiss you as violet eyes do miss you.

Husband;

I've always wondered what it's like to be a man when it comes to getting interested in someone. For us women, it's full of butterflies and gushy feelings, fantasizing and weak knees. It's the desire to see and talk to the guy day and night; and having to hold back and fight against those instincts that are corrupted by the excitement of mutual attraction.

I've always wondered if guys feel the same at the start of a relationship. Do you feel that same need to be around, just learning as much about me as I do about you? I have a hunger not just for your presence, but to be able to find out who you are; to get to know your quirks and oddities, faults and positive traits.

I have to try so hard not to run away with my emotions and get ahead of myself. My ability to look at things realistically, and the past help with that, but it's a constant battle against what my mind is trying to tell me to do. Thankfully, I have a little help with that these days.

Are you the same way though? Does the prospect of a relationship keep pecking at your mind, trying to get you to figure out where it's going?

It's so much worse when it's so early on. I have to find this balance between rushing headfirst into feelings and what my heart wants, and remembering that it is still early and a lot of what my heart wants is based on chemistry, lust, and the excitement of a mutual connection.

I've set aside a few rules for myself when entering into the first stages, just to make sure I don't jump too fast.

1. Keep day-dreaming to a bare minimum, and keep reminding myself that it's just to get these damn daydreams exhausted so that they stop.
2. No listening to mushy love songs.
3. Avoid chick flicks/romance at all costs.
4. Keep expectations at a bare minimum. The less expectations I have, the less I could get hurt, should this not turn out.
5. PRAY all the time about it.
6. Don't rush things.

I'd love to hear what your level headed list would be like. Maybe one day I'll get to know.

Love you always, forever and beyond.

Just a girl, Someday a wife.

My heart is pounding in my chest;I'm losing my every breath

Daddy;

It's been a while since I've talked to you about all of this. I've mentioned my longings and hurts in bed time prayers and random thoughts. But I haven't gone into detail.

I want to thank you for releasing me of my feelings for him. It's so much more freeing not being tied to him in any form of thoughts or feelings. It's a relief.

But dad... it's starting to worry me that even mom seems intent on me being set up with someone. Like something must be wrong that I'm still not dating; that someone still isn't falling for me.

I am trying so hard to not jump at every potential opportunity, obsess over every potential crush. It feels strange not to have a crush right now. It's liberating. But at the same time, it does kind of scare me.

I still want so desperately to fall in love. To have a man who wants me in his life.

Father,

Hold my heart. Comfort it. Strengthen it.

Because right now... I need all those things. I need you. I need to feel your love; to feel it intensely enough that I can remember how I only need your love. Your love is enough. I know that in my head, but sometimes my heart needs that reminder.

A look beneath the surface is sometimes required...

While the purpose of this blog is that I remain completely anonymous, in my absence, I've come to realize that maybe I also need to let you see a little bit of who I am. It's hard to picture someone being real without a face or a name; but it becomes even harder when there's nothing to connect one with that person, beyond words on a page. So, I'm kind of kidnapping this from Joy over at Chocolate Chips and Vice Grips, plus, I'll admit.. I just love doing these sorts of things.

1. started your own blog
2. slept under the stars
3. played in a band (does the school recorder band in the fourth grade count?)
4. visited Hawaii
5. watched a meteor shower
6. given more to charity than you could afford to
7. been to Disney
8. climbed a mountain
9. held a praying mantis
10. sung a solo
11. bungee jumped (well sort of... at Canada's Wonderland... they have like a giant bungee swing thing)
12. visited Paris
13. watched a thunder and lightning storm
14. taught yourself an art from scratch
15. adopted a child
16. had food poisoning
17. walked to the top of the statue of liberty
18. grown your own vegetables
19. seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. slept on an overnight train
21. had a pillow fight
22. hitch hiked
23. taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. built a snow fort
25. held a lamb (not just any lamb either...a newborn lamb, moments after it's birth)
26. gone skinny dipping
27. run a marathon
28. ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. seen a total eclipse
30. watched a sunrise or sunset
31. hit a home run
32. been on a cruise
33. seen Niagara falls in person
34. visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. seen an Amish community
36. taught yourself a new language (pig-latin counts, right?)
37. had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. seen the leaning tower of Pisa in person
39. gone rock climbing
40. seen Michelangelo’s David in person
41. sung karaoke
42. seen old faithful erupt
43. bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. visited Africa ( this one is actually on my to-do list in the not-so-distant future)
45. walked on a beach by moonlight
46. been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted (Okay... well sketched... but it was a beautiful sketch by a very close and lovely friend of mine who I might have stolen this list from).
48. gone deep sea fishing
49. seen the Sistine chapel in person
50. been to the top of the Eiffel tower in Paris
51. gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. kissed in the rain
53. played in the mud
54. gone to a drive-in theatre (saw Tokyo Drift and Pirates 3... it was a double-feature, and yeahhh... I'd rather not remember that night).
55. been in a movie
56. visited the great wall of china
57. started a business
58. taken a martial arts class
59. visited Russia
60. served at a soup kitchen
61. sold girl scout cookies (and I was REALLY good at it... I paid for all my girl guide camps that way)
62. gone whale watching
63. gotten flowers for no reason
64. donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. been sky diving
66. visited a concentration camp
67. bounced a check
68. flown in a helicopter
69. saved a favorite childhood toy (mostly stuffed animals, but a few other precious items.)
70. visited the Lincoln memorial
71. eaten caviar
72. pieced a quilt
73. stood in times square (it was a very epic moment... felt very surreal)
74. toured the everglades
75. been fired from a job
76. seen the changing of the guard in London
77. broken a bone (seriously, have you ever broken a toe? It hurts like no tomorrow!)
78. been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. seen the grand canyon in person (not standing by it mind you, I saw it from an airplane window on my way to Vegas)
80. published a book
81. visited the Vatican
82. bought a brand new car
83. walked in Jerusalem
84. had your picture in the newspaper (many times over actually... benefits of being a reporter and an editor)
85. kissed a stranger at midnight on new year’s eve
86. visited the white house
87. killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. had chickenpox
89. saved someone’s life (to this day, I'm still in awe that my story could do that).
90. sat on a jury (since it didn't say REAL jury... I sat on the Big Bad Wolf jury once... then took over for the defending lawyer because she couldn't do her job. I pwned that courtroom)
91. met someone famous
92. joined a book club (in grade 2, I think we all had to?)
93. gotten a tattoo
94. had a baby
95. seen the Alamo in person
96. swam in the great salt lake (and was less than fifteen feet away from being attacked by sharks)
97. been involved in a law suit
98. owned a cell phone
99. been stung by a bee
100. Ridden an elephant

Hey Elizabeth, don't raise the drawbridge darling...

Husband;

I strongly dislike you right now. A lot. Why? Because you're taking your freaking time to walk into my life. Do you know how frustrating it is to sit here and watch just about everyone I know falling in love and starting relationships, while I wait for you?

Sometimes I wonder if waiting is the worst thing to do. Not waiting for the right guy I mean, but simply waiting. I mean, when I needed a job, had I sat around on my arse and done nothing, my job would not have just been dropped into my lap. God does what we can't do, and not everything for us.

So then is my waiting and praying, wishing and all that... is it all for naught? Am I missing what I am supposed to be doing?

Should I be telling my feelings, making myself available... all of that? But what is the point, when it's always ended in being shot down in the past?

I feel like I'm at an impass with myself. God has been staying silent on the matter when I have brought it to Him, or, if He is responding, is doing so in such a quiet voice that I am not hearing Him.

This would all be a helluva lot easier if you would just walk through my door right this second.

Seriously.

Any second now.

.....

.....

....

Or not. Either way. I really dislike you right now.

In the words of Relient K 'You know I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you.'

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

What do you get when you fall in love? ......

....you get enough tears to fill an ocean

---

Father;

WHY? WHY WHY WHY? Why is it that after these years of convincing myself I'm over him, it turns out that not only am I not, but I still love him.

What's the point? He doesn't love me. He won't ever.

So why does my heart want what it won't ever have?

It was easy to convince myself I no longer loved him when he wasn't around that much. Even at the party he held; for the most part, he acted like enough of a goof, and there were so many other people distracting me that my emotions thought I had the upper hand.

Then he came up this weekend with one of my other buddies. And things changed. Last night, I could write it off merely as shadows of what once was. Flickers of feelings I once felt, but nothing true, real or serious.

Today... it became more apparent that those feelings were not just shadows. They were the still beating emotions of my heart... the ones I had managed to keep buried for so long.

The first hint came when we were at church. He was beside me, and so during worship, of course his voice was the one I heard. I always loved his singing voice. It always had the ability to make my heart melt.

Then, as the day went on I was just... so much more aware of his presence around me, and how comfortable I felt when he was around... when he is around. Like having him with me is more than just normal; it's right.

We had a barbecue later that afternoon, and a friend from church joined us. She pointed out that He reminded her of a fellow from church... a fellow that I had crushed on hardcore for the last two years. And it dawned on me... I had spent the last two years trying to figure out who that guy reminded me of and why I liked it so much. That was the main moment it hit me like a brick.

All this time I had been trying to bury my feelings, I had actually been subconsciously turning towards 'the next best thing' (not meaning in any way that the guy was less than him... just well.. you know right?).

During our campfire, he chose to sit beside me... and sat awfully close, for me being the only other person on that bench-swing. We got talking about deep things... and that's when the pain arose.

When we were first interested in each other... we would spend hours upon hours just sitting on his bed, talking about the deepest, most controversial and emotional topics we could think of... most of them, surrounding God and being a Christian.

Father, I started crying, and it was so hard to hide it. The pain was just washing over me in waves. I had to busy myself putting away the snacks, then wander the yard pretending to look at stars so that I could let the tears flow.

God, it hurts. Even now, writing this, I am fighting off the pain.

How can I still love him after all this time? Why do I still love him?

Father, it hurts to love him... and just when I thought I was past it... this all comes back. Father, I can't deal with this. I can't! I don't want to shove him out of my life as a friend; not having him there for those three years wasn't right. Everything about it felt wrong.

Why does my mind have to wonder and think about the things I've always noticed would make us compatible in marriage? Or to pick up on the areas that he's grown in, that I always knew he'd need to be stronger in.

God, HE BROKE MY HEART!!!! He left me shattered and hating myself more than anything ever before! WHY DO I STILL LOVE HIM!

I'm frustrated, angry and hurt. I'm not angry with you father, but I am confused. PLEASE give me something, anything!!!!!!

Your hurting daughter,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

On and off the clouds have fought for control over the skies..

Husband;

This probably isn't the wisest thing to do, but I am so tired of my raging hormones and being okay with my singleness one day then devastated by it the next. So in order to cope, I have started a new writing project. I am writing a romance novel. Yep, that's right. Me who hates romance novels and cringes every time she walks past the romance section in Chapters, is adventuring into the untravelled land and giving it a try.

Who knows. Maybe in some strange way, I'll be able to write a romance novel that actually helps struggling, young Christian women, devastated by their seemingly inherent singleness.

I'm getting impatient. Somedays I'm totally fine, not caring at all and content on waiting on God. Other days, I feel like I'm ready to jump every cute guy I see walk through the door and beg them to date me.

I find myself sizing up EVERY guy I encounter throughout my day,

mentally playing through what the likelihood would be of them possibly being the one.

And I cry, all the freaking time.

What the heck is wrong with me?

But oh yeah. The novel. Basically. It's just gonna follow a girl like me, only unlike me, she is about to have her world completely blown by an arrogant, witty, charming and totally desirable modern day Mr. Darcy.

Yeah yeah, it's the same basic plot of every bloody romance novel, but what choice do I have? When it comes to romance, I just have no creativity whatsoever.

This one's for the girls.....

Father,

Short and to the point tonight.

I'm crying out to you. Why does it seem impossible for me to be in a relationship? Why am I not able to find a man who meets my needs?

Sometimes I feel like you're punishing me for something. Most of the time I feel like it's because I'm not good enough.

I'm trying to hard to trust in you, but Lord. I just need some hope that will remind me that a relationship is in my future.

Love always,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

I've had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you

Husband;

I'm writing this to you, because I know that you are probably going through crushes and stuff prior to me. Heck. This crush might even be you.

I don't know. But I do know this. Whether or not this crush is you, I owe the guy for reawakening my heart again. I feel alive. All that dwindling hope about love, and finding someone who would fit what I know I need? Gone. It's totally just a hardcore high school crush at the moment, but I mean... it's brought me back.

But beyond that, it's shown me that the process I desire for getting to know someone, for building a relationship, isn't a 'fairytale'. That there are men out there that desire things to be built the same way I do. I mean, it's clear we're both crushing... and there's been flirting. But we're taking the time to get to really know each other, to find out everything we can about one another. And beyond that? He's been the initiator.

So, husband. If crush isn't you. I want you to be able to look at him, and thank him for bringing back my hope. I mean, ultimately, it's God using him to answer my prayers to revive my hope, but I think you still owe him some respect for being man enough to show me.

And hey. If crush does end up being you, I hope you get to know just how alive you have made me feel again. For the first time. I feel like a woman. I feel like a woman who is desired, not for my looks or for being an object, but for who I am.

Love you always and forever,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly

Dear Lord,

Why does he have to keep coming back into my life? You know I don't have the heart to reject his offer of friendship, but why am I the rebound girl? HE BROKE UP WITH ME! He's the one who shattered my heart and left me questioning everything I thought I knew.

So why does he keep coming back? Beyond that, how is it that he has NO IDEA that he is constantly rebounding onto me?

I'm not going to say that I'm worried about falling for him again, because I'm not. That ship has long sailed, and any chances of it sticking around were burned to the ground after the last time he used me as a rebound. I'm smarter than I was when I fell in love with him. I'm not some insecure 20 year old desperate for love anymore. I know I'm beautiful, intelligent and funny, and that there is a guy out there for me.

But why won't he leave me alone? I'm constantly haunted by the old feelings threatening to bubble to the surface, though I know they are merely shadows of what was, and not examples of what is. That doesn't make it any easier though.

Interestingly enough Lord, the song Over It by Addictiv came on when I started writing this post. Fitting I guess, because the whole song is singing about how she's over it, only, she's OBVIOUSLY not, because if she was she wouldn't need to be singing about it. And that's kinda how I feel right now. Like. I know I'm mostly over it, but this interaction is enough for me to realize that the hurt still lingers.

Lord, why can't he be gone from my life forever? Mostly everyone else is. I barely keep in touch with anyone I knew from college (save from him and the one my parents want me to marry), and even high school friends I barely speak with. Everyone else leaves and never looks back. So why doesn't he?

Some clarification on this conundrum would be much appreciated.

Love always,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

How would you feel about a simple love song?

Lover-boy,

I hope beyond hope that you are not one of those men who make cat calls to random women, or make comments like 'damn, sexy!' as you're walking by a stranger. If you were ever like that, chances are I'm about to smack you upside the head.

Twice this week I have encountered such men, and I'm not going to lie it infuriates and disgusts me.

When I was MUCH younger, I thought I wanted that kind of attention, that it was good attention. But the *very* few times I received it, I felt uncomfortable rather than attractive. At that age I couldn't understand why, but now I can answer it with confidence. It's the same reason I find myself infuriated when guys cat call me now.

It's degrading, and I hate the feeling of being objectified.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'd be lying if I said I never eyed guys and thought about how cute they are, and I'm not saying it's wrong for guys to do that with girls. But it's one thing to see them and acknowledge that to yourself. To actually vocalize that in a cat call or a comment about how sexy you think they are, or how you want to 'tap that'? That's one of the most insulting, objectifying things you could do.

Chances are, most of the guys who do that don't even care. But it bugs me. It bugs me even more when they get angry because you ignore them or are displeased by their cat calls. The other night, I was walking to meet up with my sister across the mall parking lot, and these two guys started whistling at me. I wasn't even dressed to the nine... I was in my work clothes! When I ignored them, they shouted 'Yeah f*** you too b****!'.

I was SO shocked and appalled.

What exactly do men hope to achieve by treating women so horribly? Do they think that a comment or whistle will cause me to turn back to them, throw myself at their feet, and scream 'TAKE ME! I'M YOURS!!!'?

So, to make a long story short. Husband, I am pleading with you, please, never objectify me. It's not my feelings I'm worried about when I request this... but rather your health.

Love you always,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

You treat me like I'm a princess; I'm not used to liking that...

Lord,

It's times like these where I wish with all my heart that I had someone to come home to, someone to wrap his arms around me and whisper in my ear that he loves me after I've had a rough day. I know that wouldn't really be good for me right now, and I trust your reasons for it. But that doesn't take away the longing or the pain of lacking it.

It kind of weirds me out that guys don't show interest in me generally, but when they do, they're the types that either will only admit their attraction to me anonymously (thank you Honesty Box on Facebook for not helping IN THE SLIGHTEST!). Either that, or they're MADLY in love with me, but the second I want time to consider, they're with another girl (and I mean literally... as in, it's happened in a matter of a DAY!)

I've got to keep holding onto hope though. I've witnessed enough people diving into relationships that they know are going nowhere, pouring everything they have into it, then walking away broken and shattered. I don't want that. I don't need that.

Divorce is not an option when I get married, so why should shattering someone's complete being just to have a relationship be an option either?

Still. It wouldn't suck to have someone there to love or be loved by.

Please help me not to lose hope or let the obsession of falling in love take over all else in my life.

Love always,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

This time I wonder what it feels like to find the one in this life, the one we all dream of...

Husband;

I wonder if waiting for me to come into your life is as difficult as it is for me to be patient while I wait for you to enter mine. I know there's a chance you're already here, but it would be nice to have you here romantically or at least with a hint that its you.

It feels kind of odd that I'm going on twenty-four, and I've never had a real serious boyfriend. Actually... scratch that. I'm not a fan of the term boyfriend or girlfriend... it feels so high school. Reword - It feels strange being this age and never having had a serious relationship. Sure, I've had relationships I thought were going to turn serious, but in hindsight, I can see how those kind of expectations were too high for the types of guys I chose to date.

At the same time, I am somewhat glad that I haven't had a true serious relationship, as it means there's a lot more of myself than just my body which I haven't given away. I have faith that the next man I get involved with will be you. And the truth is, you're the only one I ever want to share the type of intimacy with that comes with a serious relationship. When I give you all of me, I don't want it to be sloppy seconds in any area. You will be the first to get my body, soul and mind completely, and the first to truly get my heart.

Although I've encountered heartbreak, I don't think I've ever fully given my heart. More often than not, I think I mourned and hurt over the loss of thinking I was going to give away my heart. I suppose its the one place in which my walls that I've built up actually did some good instead of damage. In a sense, I guess that's kind of an interesting thing to think about. I mean, I fell in love once... but my heart still remained my own. I wonder how that truly works? I guess, because love is a feeling, whereas giving away your heart is like giving access to everything you are.

At least through all my struggles, I can remind myself of the fact that you are totally worth all the waiting and struggling and frustration.

Love you,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

P.S. Love your face.

Lately the weather has been so bi-polar and consequently so have I.

Lord,

The hardest thing I'm finding is to lean on you when I'm frustrated, tired and upset. It's times like these I almost feel like I could relate to Christ when He cried out 'Father, Father, why have you foresaken me?' Although I know that you haven't abandoned me, sometimes it feels like you have, and I need to remind myself that your silence doesn't reflect abandonment (I suppose that just means that I really struggle with issues of abandonment then, huh?). I want to be able to give this all to you and move on with a smile on my face and joy in my heart, but sometimes it feels like the least possible thing to do.

I do owe you a thank-you for giving me the knowledge on how to deal with crushes much better. Though I may struggle at times, I think that's normal. Plus, thank you for giving me the strength to have fewer crushes. I know that a lot of my crushes were more like rebounds to get over a crush that I had determined would never feel the same way, but often having that many new crushes all the time made me feel flustered, upset, and even made me question my worth sometimes. I am glad that I am no longer ruled by that lie, however.

It's still somewhat difficult to watch people be all 'couple-ish' with each other. I wonder why I can't have that, or why it's not time for me yet.

But ultimately, you are still in control, and I just have to trust in that. Thank you Lord, that even when we feel like we are alone, you are walking right there with us, guiding us still.

Love you always,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

You better think twice before you roll the dice, better think twice before you give your heart away...

Dear Father,

Your silence on this matter is really frustrating me. I've learned not to rely on feelings, because they are fickle and can change quickly and without warning.

But Lord, this young man has been the cause for butterflies for two years now, and not only are the butterflies refusing to flit away, but they are getting larger as time goes on. I trust you. I trust that your will and your plan will be carried out. But I can't deny that I am frustrated. For the last week straight, every night I have dreamed about him, and about interacting with him in a relationship-type manner.

This makes patience very hard. I don't want to leap forward and try to find answers for myself, but its becoming so much more difficult not to just charge forward.

You know what's even more frustrating Lord? He barely knows I exist!

Well... that is not entirely true. He knows I exist, and we talk once in a while... even exchange playful insults in groups at church. Once in a while, I swear I catch him looking at me, but of course, I could be imagining things, or interpreting them with wishful thinking.

Why will he not leave my thoughts Lord? And why do you continue to allow me to dream of him? Your silence isn't helping me any, and though I know you have a reason for it, couldn't you just tell me *something*?

Please help me Lord.

Love your [frustrated] daughter,
Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

And you can tell everybody that this is your song, it might be quite simple...

Hello Hubby-dearest!

So I'm trying to work on this whole keeping myself accountable thing, both to God, and to you (even though you aren't in my life yet, I figure the sooner I get practice in, the better). Mostly I'm focusing on my actions towards guys in general, but also my habits with male friends. Of course, this will also all go into practice when you and I start courting, or dating, or whatever we decide to call it (please let me call it courting, it's so much more romantic that way!!!).

I'm doing this, because I don't want to compromise myself or my purity at all, so I've been working on getting friends to call me out on actions that might be read as other intentions when I'm interacting with guys. I can't deny that the way I act with guys can often be considered flirtatious, and I don't want that to be the case. I've also HIGHLY started limiting the time I am alone with any guys, friends, strangers, whatever. I learned the hard way, that whether you intend it or not, a lot of alone time can lead to a level of intimacy that is often inappropriate for 'just friends'. It also makes it a lot harder for me not to pine after guys, especially if there is already an attraction to them.

On the one hand though, it's really made me aware of how innocently affairs can begin, and helped me to understand that especially with how easy I connect with people, this will be something that I need to be careful of. I don't doubt my commitment to you at all, nor do I think I would ever physically betray you. But one of the biggest lessons I've learned over the last year or so is that relational intimacy can cause a type of 'emotional affair' where you become more attached to a person, without fully realizing it until it's too late. I don't ever want to do that to you. Our marriage is far too precious to risk screwing up. But as someone who connects easily on an emotional level with others, it means that keeping myself appropriate is something that has to be learned, and that I have to execute caution with.

Besides that, as long as I am not putting myself in a position where I am constantly alone with other guys, it protects my image and integrity as well.

Love you always and forever;

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

You need that boy like a bowling ball dropped on your head, which means not at all.

Dear God;

When I sit down to think about it (or especially when I'm not thinking about it at all!), it's not really *that* bad being single right now. I have opportunities to do things that I probably would not have when I'm married, or even in a relationship. Plus, it's nice only having to really worry about myself right now.

I think I am, for the most part, becoming more content with You as the only man in my life. I still struggle, but I suppose that's part of what makes me human, having to face the battles of the flesh.

I've also noticed, that as I grow closer to Godly women, rather than Godly men, I feel fulfilled in friendship. Which could be perhaps why, after no longer being able to see my former roommate, that I feel empty not having that anymore. However, I am so thankful for that time I had, to have someone to talk to and to be completely open with, but also to receive advice from in a Godly manner.

While my mother is good for that sometimes, often times, she doesn't understand. I still blame it on generational issues, but who knows. It is nice however, to know that I can come to You, and be completely candid about how I'm feeling, and what I'm facing, and know that I won't be judged, but I will be loved.

And on the other hand, as of late, you have brought back into my life a friend I have cherished for years, and I am hoping and believing that through You, our friendship will continue to strengthen. She has far more wisdom than I think she realizes, and just to say hello to her brings a smile to my face, and reminds me that I am not alone in my struggles.

I'm not as close with men as I used to be, friendship wise, and I am starting to think that may be a good thing. I suppose there comes a time in your life (even for us tom-boys), where the most positive influence in your life must come from women, rather than men.

I suppose thats just one of those things that comes with growing up.

Please, continue to give me the strength to be patient, because on my own, patience fades away.

Love your daughter,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

Just so you know, I'm still in your sweater boy.

Husband,

I am so incredibly frustrated right now. Frustrated beyond belief. I know in my heart, I desire to pursue things the way I have stated, but it does not seem to make feelings and all that stuff go away.

I want to be in your arms right now, hearing you tell me I'm beautiful and that you love me. Instead, I am alone on a Friday night, reading blogs and listening to worship music to lift my spirits.

I wonder if you are in the same position as me right now, just wanting to bang your head off the wall because you are so stressed out about this whole thing.

There are times I want to scream screw it all, and just start trying to date for the heck of it, to get that filling of intimacy through that way. But of course, I know that is dumb, and that I would merely end up kicking myself in the end. Only God can provide that fulfillment.

And on a kind of positive note, its the fact that this desire for marriage and a family burns so strongly in me that keeps me hoping it is not too far off.

But seriously. If you are actually present somewhere in my life at this time, and just aren't making a move, don't be surprised if I totally freak on you later on for it.

It's not easy, being nearly 24 and watching so many people I know getting married... and feeling like somehow, I've been left behind. I think it scares me too, knowing that there aren't really any prospects around me. But I have to trust in the Lord, I need to rely on Him.

I love you so much, and I hope you never doubt that.

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

The spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly

Dear... husband? Future spouse? Bunny-wunny? (Oh dear, I hope we don't have strange nicknames like that for each other!)

Not quite sure how to start this. It feels weird, writing to you when I don't even know who you are yet. I've now made it almost a year and a half on my vow not to date. I don't know if you're dating right now. Maybe you are, or maybe you've never dated. Maybe you're even in a serious relationship right now. Maybe you've made the same decision as me, to not date, but rather to court only when it becomes clear that something might really be there. It doesn't really matter though, because it will be your past that helps shape you into the man I will be married to.

I want you to know, the reasons I've stepped back from dating are not because I think I am better than that, or am trying to seem high and mighty. Rather, there are three main reasons.

1. dating is for me, too large of a distraction from God at this point in my life. I'm too unsure of who I am and unstable in how to become who I should be. Engaging in frivolous activities like casual dating at this point would thus do nothing more than drag me away from God.
2. All of my dating choices (prior to you of course) have been poor ones, resulting in me devaluing myself and sinking to levels I never would have DREAMED that I could possibly reach. See, I want to be pure for you; I want to be able to present myself to you on our wedding night spiritually and physically pure. I don't want to risk compromising that by becoming relationally or physically intimate with someone just for the sake of having intimacy (because lets face it, I'm a sucker for wanting intimacy in my life).
3. Lastly, I want to use this time to allow God to transform me into the woman you need me to be as your wife. And with another guy in the picture, that couldn't happen because I would be trying to conform to who he wanted me to be.

I hope that this will one day be one of the things that attracts you to me; not that I am something that is 'good', but that you will have an appreciation for my desire to be a Godly woman, and for my pursuit of putting Him and His will first. That rather than chasing after guys, I'm waiting for the one who's man enough to chase me, and who's Godly enough (or at least pursuing being a man of God) to want to stand firm in the same convictions I want in a relationship.

Love always and forever,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

Sugar, spice and everything nice... isn't that what girls are made of?

Dear God,

Maturity-wise, I think I am almost ready for marriage. I know there is still a lot that I need to do first though, such as falling completely head over heels in love with you.

I'm still not entirely sure how to do that, though I think I am getting closer. While my focus still slips, I think that you occupy my thoughts more often than before.

It's still really hard though, looking to fall in love with you, instead of with every cute guy I see. (Well, that I would fall in love with them is a bit of an exaggeration, but I can't deny that I dwell on the idea of falling in love with them). I try so hard to keep you as the forefront of my emotional thoughts, but I get caught up in the moment so many times. Sometimes its a guy with a personality like that of a man I would hope to marry, other times its a song that speaks perfectly to my feelings on wanting to fall in love. It's like everywhere I turn, there's something to pull me in the direction of falling in love the world's way, rather than falling in love with you first.

Lord, please help me to look to you above all else. I want to be so in love with you that I won't hesitate to hand over the reigns of my life to you.

Help me not to be attracted to or looking at so many men, in my desperate attempt to discover the man you have set apart for me. Whoever he is, I know he will be so much more than the guys I keep trying to make fit for me.

And Lord, teach me how to be content to let him chase me. You created me an independent and free spirit, so that I may serve you better in the areas that you have called me. But Lord, it's not in my inherent nature to be patient and wait for things to happen as you have willed them. Especially not when it concerns love and romance. I jump and leap forward at the slightest sign, and end up broken and bruised.

I am tired of that father, tired of having my heart broken and not being able to mend it back together. Lord, when I am ready to give my heart to the man you have set apart for me, I do not want to give him a shattered heart, but a heart that is full of love, first and foremost for you.

Please teach me how to step into the role you have called me as a woman to have in marriage. Help me to be submissive in the Holiest sense, and to refrain from stepping out in instances where I should instead be trusting.

I want a husband who is man enough to step up and take control of our relationship and own up to his feelings, even when he is unsure of how I feel in return.

Father, continue to shape me into a Godly woman and a Godly wife who is first and foremost, desperately in love with you.

I love you daddy,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

Somewhere, someday, my prince will come my way

It's not surprising that in this day and age, many young women (and young men), struggle with being single and waiting on God to bring that special person, that soulmate, into their lives.

I can't claim to be free of that burden myself. I am in fact, struggling with that regularly. On the one hand, it's a heavy burden that often leaves me feeling much less than happy, and wondering why, when so many find it with ease, that I cannot find love at all. On the other hand however, it is a relief, because I have learned over the years that God will not allow a burning desire (a true, un-sinful burning desire that is) in your heart if He has no intention to fill it. So I move forward each day trusting in God, and knowing that no matter how much I may pine or desire for that special relationship, it will be presented to me when it's time, and beyond that, the more I give it to God and let HIM be in control, the more amazing that relationship will be.

Perhaps I am strange, doing what I am doing, but I find God settles my heart, and my frustration the more I do this, and the more I turn to Him. When I am frustrated or upset, I write a letter to God on that frustration, followed by a letter to my future husband.

I have found by doing this, it allows me to take the focus off who my crush might be, and instead, focus on the idea that my future husband is out there one day. It also gives me the opportunity to truly communicate my feelings with God, and let Him be my comforter.

I can only pray and hope that my letters will help to encourage at least one other young woman out there, struggling with the same.

Yours in Christ,

Just A Girl, Someday a Wife