Slow down, always on the run....

Husband;

I find myself in a situation once again that I always aim to avoid and constantly fail at doing so. It's been so long since I've been in it, and it's got a slightly different twist, but I find I am having trouble keeping out of the same steps that I tend to fall into so easily.

Maybe I'm just sleep deprived; maybe it's just my anxiety, but its less than a week in and already the panic is attacking me.

Have you ever been in a situation where things have moved far too fast, and when the brakes are applied, you're left wondering whether the other person is still interested, or if they've decided they're done?

It's silly really. I know it's dumb, and that I'm trying to read into things I shouldn't. It's the one thing I hate about the fact that I am still a girl. I can play it cool, I can be okay with the slow approach and just letting things kind of grow on their own time, but my mind still likes to try to convince me to react like a girl. Curse my female brain!

I'm thankful at this moment for guy friends that I can talk to openly about things like this, because it helps me calm down that panic. It levels me out and reminds me why I try not to listen to that sign of my brain in the first place.

I'm still scared... I can't lie. This is the first 'dating' experience I've had in nearly four years. While it's only been a few days, I'm really interested already. I'm scared, because I know if he pulls away, decides there's no more mutual interest, that I will be left trying to fight off the sense that something is wrong with me. I'm scared, because it's the first time in so long there's been such intense mutual interest. And I'm still scared that I'm going to end up not being good enough. It's my continuous battle. It always has been, and I really do think it's going to take you to help me break that. Not that it's your responsibility to repair my self-esteem issues, but I think it's that having never had a guy be willing to make a committment to me makes it hard for me to feel like it's possible.

I'm holding onto hope, because I know it's the only thing I can do, other than prayer. Hubby, I'm scared shitless. I really wouldn't mind getting to skip to the part where you can hug and comfort me right now.

Love you always and forever,
Just a girl, someday a wife

The stars lean out to kiss you as violet eyes do miss you.

Husband;

I've always wondered what it's like to be a man when it comes to getting interested in someone. For us women, it's full of butterflies and gushy feelings, fantasizing and weak knees. It's the desire to see and talk to the guy day and night; and having to hold back and fight against those instincts that are corrupted by the excitement of mutual attraction.

I've always wondered if guys feel the same at the start of a relationship. Do you feel that same need to be around, just learning as much about me as I do about you? I have a hunger not just for your presence, but to be able to find out who you are; to get to know your quirks and oddities, faults and positive traits.

I have to try so hard not to run away with my emotions and get ahead of myself. My ability to look at things realistically, and the past help with that, but it's a constant battle against what my mind is trying to tell me to do. Thankfully, I have a little help with that these days.

Are you the same way though? Does the prospect of a relationship keep pecking at your mind, trying to get you to figure out where it's going?

It's so much worse when it's so early on. I have to find this balance between rushing headfirst into feelings and what my heart wants, and remembering that it is still early and a lot of what my heart wants is based on chemistry, lust, and the excitement of a mutual connection.

I've set aside a few rules for myself when entering into the first stages, just to make sure I don't jump too fast.

1. Keep day-dreaming to a bare minimum, and keep reminding myself that it's just to get these damn daydreams exhausted so that they stop.
2. No listening to mushy love songs.
3. Avoid chick flicks/romance at all costs.
4. Keep expectations at a bare minimum. The less expectations I have, the less I could get hurt, should this not turn out.
5. PRAY all the time about it.
6. Don't rush things.

I'd love to hear what your level headed list would be like. Maybe one day I'll get to know.

Love you always, forever and beyond.

Just a girl, Someday a wife.

My heart is pounding in my chest;I'm losing my every breath

Daddy;

It's been a while since I've talked to you about all of this. I've mentioned my longings and hurts in bed time prayers and random thoughts. But I haven't gone into detail.

I want to thank you for releasing me of my feelings for him. It's so much more freeing not being tied to him in any form of thoughts or feelings. It's a relief.

But dad... it's starting to worry me that even mom seems intent on me being set up with someone. Like something must be wrong that I'm still not dating; that someone still isn't falling for me.

I am trying so hard to not jump at every potential opportunity, obsess over every potential crush. It feels strange not to have a crush right now. It's liberating. But at the same time, it does kind of scare me.

I still want so desperately to fall in love. To have a man who wants me in his life.

Father,

Hold my heart. Comfort it. Strengthen it.

Because right now... I need all those things. I need you. I need to feel your love; to feel it intensely enough that I can remember how I only need your love. Your love is enough. I know that in my head, but sometimes my heart needs that reminder.

A look beneath the surface is sometimes required...

While the purpose of this blog is that I remain completely anonymous, in my absence, I've come to realize that maybe I also need to let you see a little bit of who I am. It's hard to picture someone being real without a face or a name; but it becomes even harder when there's nothing to connect one with that person, beyond words on a page. So, I'm kind of kidnapping this from Joy over at Chocolate Chips and Vice Grips, plus, I'll admit.. I just love doing these sorts of things.

1. started your own blog
2. slept under the stars
3. played in a band (does the school recorder band in the fourth grade count?)
4. visited Hawaii
5. watched a meteor shower
6. given more to charity than you could afford to
7. been to Disney
8. climbed a mountain
9. held a praying mantis
10. sung a solo
11. bungee jumped (well sort of... at Canada's Wonderland... they have like a giant bungee swing thing)
12. visited Paris
13. watched a thunder and lightning storm
14. taught yourself an art from scratch
15. adopted a child
16. had food poisoning
17. walked to the top of the statue of liberty
18. grown your own vegetables
19. seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. slept on an overnight train
21. had a pillow fight
22. hitch hiked
23. taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. built a snow fort
25. held a lamb (not just any lamb either...a newborn lamb, moments after it's birth)
26. gone skinny dipping
27. run a marathon
28. ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. seen a total eclipse
30. watched a sunrise or sunset
31. hit a home run
32. been on a cruise
33. seen Niagara falls in person
34. visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. seen an Amish community
36. taught yourself a new language (pig-latin counts, right?)
37. had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. seen the leaning tower of Pisa in person
39. gone rock climbing
40. seen Michelangelo’s David in person
41. sung karaoke
42. seen old faithful erupt
43. bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. visited Africa ( this one is actually on my to-do list in the not-so-distant future)
45. walked on a beach by moonlight
46. been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted (Okay... well sketched... but it was a beautiful sketch by a very close and lovely friend of mine who I might have stolen this list from).
48. gone deep sea fishing
49. seen the Sistine chapel in person
50. been to the top of the Eiffel tower in Paris
51. gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. kissed in the rain
53. played in the mud
54. gone to a drive-in theatre (saw Tokyo Drift and Pirates 3... it was a double-feature, and yeahhh... I'd rather not remember that night).
55. been in a movie
56. visited the great wall of china
57. started a business
58. taken a martial arts class
59. visited Russia
60. served at a soup kitchen
61. sold girl scout cookies (and I was REALLY good at it... I paid for all my girl guide camps that way)
62. gone whale watching
63. gotten flowers for no reason
64. donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. been sky diving
66. visited a concentration camp
67. bounced a check
68. flown in a helicopter
69. saved a favorite childhood toy (mostly stuffed animals, but a few other precious items.)
70. visited the Lincoln memorial
71. eaten caviar
72. pieced a quilt
73. stood in times square (it was a very epic moment... felt very surreal)
74. toured the everglades
75. been fired from a job
76. seen the changing of the guard in London
77. broken a bone (seriously, have you ever broken a toe? It hurts like no tomorrow!)
78. been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. seen the grand canyon in person (not standing by it mind you, I saw it from an airplane window on my way to Vegas)
80. published a book
81. visited the Vatican
82. bought a brand new car
83. walked in Jerusalem
84. had your picture in the newspaper (many times over actually... benefits of being a reporter and an editor)
85. kissed a stranger at midnight on new year’s eve
86. visited the white house
87. killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. had chickenpox
89. saved someone’s life (to this day, I'm still in awe that my story could do that).
90. sat on a jury (since it didn't say REAL jury... I sat on the Big Bad Wolf jury once... then took over for the defending lawyer because she couldn't do her job. I pwned that courtroom)
91. met someone famous
92. joined a book club (in grade 2, I think we all had to?)
93. gotten a tattoo
94. had a baby
95. seen the Alamo in person
96. swam in the great salt lake (and was less than fifteen feet away from being attacked by sharks)
97. been involved in a law suit
98. owned a cell phone
99. been stung by a bee
100. Ridden an elephant

Hey Elizabeth, don't raise the drawbridge darling...

Husband;

I strongly dislike you right now. A lot. Why? Because you're taking your freaking time to walk into my life. Do you know how frustrating it is to sit here and watch just about everyone I know falling in love and starting relationships, while I wait for you?

Sometimes I wonder if waiting is the worst thing to do. Not waiting for the right guy I mean, but simply waiting. I mean, when I needed a job, had I sat around on my arse and done nothing, my job would not have just been dropped into my lap. God does what we can't do, and not everything for us.

So then is my waiting and praying, wishing and all that... is it all for naught? Am I missing what I am supposed to be doing?

Should I be telling my feelings, making myself available... all of that? But what is the point, when it's always ended in being shot down in the past?

I feel like I'm at an impass with myself. God has been staying silent on the matter when I have brought it to Him, or, if He is responding, is doing so in such a quiet voice that I am not hearing Him.

This would all be a helluva lot easier if you would just walk through my door right this second.

Seriously.

Any second now.

.....

.....

....

Or not. Either way. I really dislike you right now.

In the words of Relient K 'You know I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you.'

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

What do you get when you fall in love? ......

....you get enough tears to fill an ocean

---

Father;

WHY? WHY WHY WHY? Why is it that after these years of convincing myself I'm over him, it turns out that not only am I not, but I still love him.

What's the point? He doesn't love me. He won't ever.

So why does my heart want what it won't ever have?

It was easy to convince myself I no longer loved him when he wasn't around that much. Even at the party he held; for the most part, he acted like enough of a goof, and there were so many other people distracting me that my emotions thought I had the upper hand.

Then he came up this weekend with one of my other buddies. And things changed. Last night, I could write it off merely as shadows of what once was. Flickers of feelings I once felt, but nothing true, real or serious.

Today... it became more apparent that those feelings were not just shadows. They were the still beating emotions of my heart... the ones I had managed to keep buried for so long.

The first hint came when we were at church. He was beside me, and so during worship, of course his voice was the one I heard. I always loved his singing voice. It always had the ability to make my heart melt.

Then, as the day went on I was just... so much more aware of his presence around me, and how comfortable I felt when he was around... when he is around. Like having him with me is more than just normal; it's right.

We had a barbecue later that afternoon, and a friend from church joined us. She pointed out that He reminded her of a fellow from church... a fellow that I had crushed on hardcore for the last two years. And it dawned on me... I had spent the last two years trying to figure out who that guy reminded me of and why I liked it so much. That was the main moment it hit me like a brick.

All this time I had been trying to bury my feelings, I had actually been subconsciously turning towards 'the next best thing' (not meaning in any way that the guy was less than him... just well.. you know right?).

During our campfire, he chose to sit beside me... and sat awfully close, for me being the only other person on that bench-swing. We got talking about deep things... and that's when the pain arose.

When we were first interested in each other... we would spend hours upon hours just sitting on his bed, talking about the deepest, most controversial and emotional topics we could think of... most of them, surrounding God and being a Christian.

Father, I started crying, and it was so hard to hide it. The pain was just washing over me in waves. I had to busy myself putting away the snacks, then wander the yard pretending to look at stars so that I could let the tears flow.

God, it hurts. Even now, writing this, I am fighting off the pain.

How can I still love him after all this time? Why do I still love him?

Father, it hurts to love him... and just when I thought I was past it... this all comes back. Father, I can't deal with this. I can't! I don't want to shove him out of my life as a friend; not having him there for those three years wasn't right. Everything about it felt wrong.

Why does my mind have to wonder and think about the things I've always noticed would make us compatible in marriage? Or to pick up on the areas that he's grown in, that I always knew he'd need to be stronger in.

God, HE BROKE MY HEART!!!! He left me shattered and hating myself more than anything ever before! WHY DO I STILL LOVE HIM!

I'm frustrated, angry and hurt. I'm not angry with you father, but I am confused. PLEASE give me something, anything!!!!!!

Your hurting daughter,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

On and off the clouds have fought for control over the skies..

Husband;

This probably isn't the wisest thing to do, but I am so tired of my raging hormones and being okay with my singleness one day then devastated by it the next. So in order to cope, I have started a new writing project. I am writing a romance novel. Yep, that's right. Me who hates romance novels and cringes every time she walks past the romance section in Chapters, is adventuring into the untravelled land and giving it a try.

Who knows. Maybe in some strange way, I'll be able to write a romance novel that actually helps struggling, young Christian women, devastated by their seemingly inherent singleness.

I'm getting impatient. Somedays I'm totally fine, not caring at all and content on waiting on God. Other days, I feel like I'm ready to jump every cute guy I see walk through the door and beg them to date me.

I find myself sizing up EVERY guy I encounter throughout my day,

mentally playing through what the likelihood would be of them possibly being the one.

And I cry, all the freaking time.

What the heck is wrong with me?

But oh yeah. The novel. Basically. It's just gonna follow a girl like me, only unlike me, she is about to have her world completely blown by an arrogant, witty, charming and totally desirable modern day Mr. Darcy.

Yeah yeah, it's the same basic plot of every bloody romance novel, but what choice do I have? When it comes to romance, I just have no creativity whatsoever.