Welcome to Dumpsville, Population? One.

Dear Husband;

I have a gut feeling that a break-up is on the way. All because I invited him to Christmas Dinner, and he didn't want to tell me no. In his mind, Christmas Dinner is serious business. In my mind, not so much so. But I can't help but feel like because he feels it is, he thinks I must feel it is. And since we're not really that serious... well, you get where I'm going with this.

I can't shake the gut feeling.

He said he'd call Christmas Day, and he never did. We texted off and on throughout the day, but that was it.

He hasn't really said anything to indicate it's over, but I can't shake this feeling in my gut. The one that tells me he has lost interest and is about to call it all off.

I'm not ready for it to end. I enjoy his company too much.

But I think I need to face the facts. He doesn't want to be serious, and no matter how much he likes me, that's not going to change that fact.

He thinks I'm more serious in it than I am.

And for his thinking, I think I'm about to get dumped.

My heart is caught up in my throat.

I'm scared. I just want to hear him say he wants to see me. Or he misses me.

But let's face it. The guy who hated going more than twenty-four hours without seeing me has made it clear he hasn't wanted to see me at all in the last three days. And pretty much hinted he won't want to see me tomorrow either.

And in my experience, those are heavy indications that the train to Dumpsville is about to pull into my station.

This sucks.

Love you.
Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

the dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet

Father;

Love is a crazy thing. Not to say that I'm linking what's going on right now with being in love, but it is a step towards that final goal is it not?

It's crazy because there's so much about love that you have to be cautious of, both for yourself and for the other person. And it's dangerous because if you are not firm in who you are, it can take you and throw you over a cliff, left dangling for life and not really knowing which direction is the safest to move in.

That security in oneself seems to be something that many of us struggle to find. It's been one of my biggest stumbling points for years. But of course, you know that already, Dad. You've known I would struggle with that before I was even born.

Sometimes I want to blame you for it. Blame you for all the short relationships where I've been left for someone better, or where I'm pretty sure I was cheated on because I wasn't willing to give up enough. Sometimes, I want to scream and yell and accuse you of enjoying watching me go through that kind of pain time and time again.

But of course, it's not your fault. You didn't make me date those guys, and you certainly didn't tell me to dive in head first without keeping any barriers around my heart. You didn't teach me that my worth was measured by who wanted me and how long they wanted me for.

I'm working on trying to break that line of thinking, but Daddy, I don't think I can fully crush it without you. I'm learning to roll with the punches and not take them personally. To understand that if things don't work out, it doesn't mean I'm worthless. But that fear still haunts at the edge of my mind. That's where you come in. This battle I believe is beyond me. It's one of my weakest points, and probably the point where I will continue to be assaulted the most.

But I know, in my mind, and buried in my heart that nothing that happens is a reflection of my worth.

Help to give me the strength and to remember that every day father.

Love your daughter,
Just a Girl, Someday a wife.

What do you get when you fall in love? ......

....you get enough tears to fill an ocean

---

Father;

WHY? WHY WHY WHY? Why is it that after these years of convincing myself I'm over him, it turns out that not only am I not, but I still love him.

What's the point? He doesn't love me. He won't ever.

So why does my heart want what it won't ever have?

It was easy to convince myself I no longer loved him when he wasn't around that much. Even at the party he held; for the most part, he acted like enough of a goof, and there were so many other people distracting me that my emotions thought I had the upper hand.

Then he came up this weekend with one of my other buddies. And things changed. Last night, I could write it off merely as shadows of what once was. Flickers of feelings I once felt, but nothing true, real or serious.

Today... it became more apparent that those feelings were not just shadows. They were the still beating emotions of my heart... the ones I had managed to keep buried for so long.

The first hint came when we were at church. He was beside me, and so during worship, of course his voice was the one I heard. I always loved his singing voice. It always had the ability to make my heart melt.

Then, as the day went on I was just... so much more aware of his presence around me, and how comfortable I felt when he was around... when he is around. Like having him with me is more than just normal; it's right.

We had a barbecue later that afternoon, and a friend from church joined us. She pointed out that He reminded her of a fellow from church... a fellow that I had crushed on hardcore for the last two years. And it dawned on me... I had spent the last two years trying to figure out who that guy reminded me of and why I liked it so much. That was the main moment it hit me like a brick.

All this time I had been trying to bury my feelings, I had actually been subconsciously turning towards 'the next best thing' (not meaning in any way that the guy was less than him... just well.. you know right?).

During our campfire, he chose to sit beside me... and sat awfully close, for me being the only other person on that bench-swing. We got talking about deep things... and that's when the pain arose.

When we were first interested in each other... we would spend hours upon hours just sitting on his bed, talking about the deepest, most controversial and emotional topics we could think of... most of them, surrounding God and being a Christian.

Father, I started crying, and it was so hard to hide it. The pain was just washing over me in waves. I had to busy myself putting away the snacks, then wander the yard pretending to look at stars so that I could let the tears flow.

God, it hurts. Even now, writing this, I am fighting off the pain.

How can I still love him after all this time? Why do I still love him?

Father, it hurts to love him... and just when I thought I was past it... this all comes back. Father, I can't deal with this. I can't! I don't want to shove him out of my life as a friend; not having him there for those three years wasn't right. Everything about it felt wrong.

Why does my mind have to wonder and think about the things I've always noticed would make us compatible in marriage? Or to pick up on the areas that he's grown in, that I always knew he'd need to be stronger in.

God, HE BROKE MY HEART!!!! He left me shattered and hating myself more than anything ever before! WHY DO I STILL LOVE HIM!

I'm frustrated, angry and hurt. I'm not angry with you father, but I am confused. PLEASE give me something, anything!!!!!!

Your hurting daughter,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly

Dear Lord,

Why does he have to keep coming back into my life? You know I don't have the heart to reject his offer of friendship, but why am I the rebound girl? HE BROKE UP WITH ME! He's the one who shattered my heart and left me questioning everything I thought I knew.

So why does he keep coming back? Beyond that, how is it that he has NO IDEA that he is constantly rebounding onto me?

I'm not going to say that I'm worried about falling for him again, because I'm not. That ship has long sailed, and any chances of it sticking around were burned to the ground after the last time he used me as a rebound. I'm smarter than I was when I fell in love with him. I'm not some insecure 20 year old desperate for love anymore. I know I'm beautiful, intelligent and funny, and that there is a guy out there for me.

But why won't he leave me alone? I'm constantly haunted by the old feelings threatening to bubble to the surface, though I know they are merely shadows of what was, and not examples of what is. That doesn't make it any easier though.

Interestingly enough Lord, the song Over It by Addictiv came on when I started writing this post. Fitting I guess, because the whole song is singing about how she's over it, only, she's OBVIOUSLY not, because if she was she wouldn't need to be singing about it. And that's kinda how I feel right now. Like. I know I'm mostly over it, but this interaction is enough for me to realize that the hurt still lingers.

Lord, why can't he be gone from my life forever? Mostly everyone else is. I barely keep in touch with anyone I knew from college (save from him and the one my parents want me to marry), and even high school friends I barely speak with. Everyone else leaves and never looks back. So why doesn't he?

Some clarification on this conundrum would be much appreciated.

Love always,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

You treat me like I'm a princess; I'm not used to liking that...

Lord,

It's times like these where I wish with all my heart that I had someone to come home to, someone to wrap his arms around me and whisper in my ear that he loves me after I've had a rough day. I know that wouldn't really be good for me right now, and I trust your reasons for it. But that doesn't take away the longing or the pain of lacking it.

It kind of weirds me out that guys don't show interest in me generally, but when they do, they're the types that either will only admit their attraction to me anonymously (thank you Honesty Box on Facebook for not helping IN THE SLIGHTEST!). Either that, or they're MADLY in love with me, but the second I want time to consider, they're with another girl (and I mean literally... as in, it's happened in a matter of a DAY!)

I've got to keep holding onto hope though. I've witnessed enough people diving into relationships that they know are going nowhere, pouring everything they have into it, then walking away broken and shattered. I don't want that. I don't need that.

Divorce is not an option when I get married, so why should shattering someone's complete being just to have a relationship be an option either?

Still. It wouldn't suck to have someone there to love or be loved by.

Please help me not to lose hope or let the obsession of falling in love take over all else in my life.

Love always,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

This time I wonder what it feels like to find the one in this life, the one we all dream of...

Husband;

I wonder if waiting for me to come into your life is as difficult as it is for me to be patient while I wait for you to enter mine. I know there's a chance you're already here, but it would be nice to have you here romantically or at least with a hint that its you.

It feels kind of odd that I'm going on twenty-four, and I've never had a real serious boyfriend. Actually... scratch that. I'm not a fan of the term boyfriend or girlfriend... it feels so high school. Reword - It feels strange being this age and never having had a serious relationship. Sure, I've had relationships I thought were going to turn serious, but in hindsight, I can see how those kind of expectations were too high for the types of guys I chose to date.

At the same time, I am somewhat glad that I haven't had a true serious relationship, as it means there's a lot more of myself than just my body which I haven't given away. I have faith that the next man I get involved with will be you. And the truth is, you're the only one I ever want to share the type of intimacy with that comes with a serious relationship. When I give you all of me, I don't want it to be sloppy seconds in any area. You will be the first to get my body, soul and mind completely, and the first to truly get my heart.

Although I've encountered heartbreak, I don't think I've ever fully given my heart. More often than not, I think I mourned and hurt over the loss of thinking I was going to give away my heart. I suppose its the one place in which my walls that I've built up actually did some good instead of damage. In a sense, I guess that's kind of an interesting thing to think about. I mean, I fell in love once... but my heart still remained my own. I wonder how that truly works? I guess, because love is a feeling, whereas giving away your heart is like giving access to everything you are.

At least through all my struggles, I can remind myself of the fact that you are totally worth all the waiting and struggling and frustration.

Love you,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

P.S. Love your face.