Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat, we'll take the trail marked on your father's map

Husband,

Yesterday, we did our first devotional together. It was strange, and it wasn't like I expected. But it was still wonderful. It was interesting, getting to have the opportunity to see how you viewed me and how you viewed the start of our relationship.

I'm terrified though. There is a part of me that is still terrified because this journey is so new, because it is unlike anything I have ever experienced. There is a part of me that still doubts that you are the one. That doubts that we really have a future. I'm not sure whether that's my bipolar or my fear talking, but I know this much: it's not from God. If there is one thing I have learned to trust it is that God does not ignite feelings of anxiety and terror. It is not his way.

I am certain there is a lesson in this for me. You see, I keep trying to get this all figured out. To plan out where this is going and how it will get there and what's going to happen once it gets there. I know deep down inside that that's not how God wants it to be; that He doesn't want us to know it all ahead of time so that the thrill of the path is gone.

I'm just not very good at the waiting bit. At the whole taking things one day at a time. But I'm learning. If for no-one else but for you, I am doing my best to learn.

I am doing my best to try and trust God. After all, that's what this is all about right? Trusting God that the path we are taking is the right one, that we will let Him guide us?

I wonder, do you have any fears like that? Do you sometimes get scared at the intensity of things and wonder if what you're feeling is real? Or am I alone in that?

Love you always,
Just A Girl,
Someday a wife

Visions are flashing into my head as i reminisce my reoccurring dreams

My prince,

It's all happening so fast, but I can't say that's a bad thing. At first, I was afraid. Afraid that if I fell, it meant that I would be too vulnerable. But I guess that's one of the things that comes with growing up, that you come to understand that love cannot function without vulnerability.

Sometimes it feels strange to talk about our future together when we've only been with each other for such a short amount of time. That strangeness, however, I would chalk up more to expectations laid by the way things should flow according to the world. The truth is, when talking about it, despite its strangeness, it just fits. It feels right, feels normal.

Sometimes it's hard not to get ahead of ourselves. Knowing that it's ours to claim, there are moments when I want it all right now. Why must we wait when we know we're right for each other? Why must we allow time when we know our futures are entwined?

Thankfully the voice of reason and truth wins out against those battles in my mind. I know that the time between exists because God has willed it so, that it is in God's timing we must trust, and not in our own.

It's hard, but then again, God never promised it would be easy waiting on the desires of our hearts.

I'm excited to start this journey with you, to start smoothing out our relationship in both the good and the bad. To work on growing not just with each other, but with each other in God. Because without Him, really, what is our relationship?

Love you always and forever,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

Oh, to have the desires of my heart.

Father,

I long for a husband like Boaz; a man who puts you above all else and trusts in you no matter the situation. A man whose heart is after your own and whose passion to live for you shines in all he does.

I want a man who loves me so much that it pains him, just as it will pain me to love him that much.

I'm still frightened sometimes, afraid that I'll have no choice but to settle for a man who is only half-hearted in his passion for You and who will only sort of love me. Those fears remain ever present and increasingly stronger the longer it is that I don't meet a man who falls into my heart's desire.

Despite that fear, I trust you, Father. I trust that you will not let me down and that you will provide me with my heart's desire. It's hard. Trusting when not seeing results. But I guess that's why it is called faith.

Help me to stand firm in that trust despite my fears. Help me to be strong and to hear your voice and feel your gentle nudge when it is time.

Your plan is the perfect plan and because of that, I will wait for you instead of taking it into my own hands.

Love you Daddy.

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

The List.

Husband,

I've finally sat down and done it. I've written 'The List'. I'm putting it here to help keep myself accountable, but also because it will be interesting to see how well you match up to the list. Don't worry if you don't... if there are things that differ, it just means my tastes changed ;)

Love you!

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

THE LIST

1.     Must be a Christian. Cannot afford to compromise this again as it makes things too difficult.

2.     Will like being involved with each other’s friends.

3.     Family is important, especially in being involved with each other’s.

4.     Outgoing. Likes to just go out and do random things.

5.     Outdoorsy. Likes to camp, hike, just hang out at the lake.

6.     Loves music. Preferably a variety of music, but as long as it’s not solely country, hip hop, rap or R&B I’m content.

7.     Willing to change his facebook status. It’s silly, I know, but indulge me a little. It’s not like I’m high-maintenance.

8.     Geeky. At least a little geeky. I don’t know what I’d do if I was with a guy who couldn’t geek out.

9.     Taller than me. I’m short enough as it is, I couldn’t handle someone shorter.

10.  Is adventurous. And random.

11.  Can be completely silly or totally serious.

12.  Has his own car/license.

13.  Able to support himself.

14.  Has goals for the future.

15.  Likes to sing, even if he can’t sing well.

16.  Is good with finances (since I’m TERRIBLE at them).

17.  Is a good communicator. A good relationship requires a lot of communication.

18.  In tune with his emotions.

19.  Somewhat sensitive, but not overly so.

20.  Doesn’t smoke.

21.  Doesn’t smoke weed or other drugs.

22.  Not a heavy drinker.

23.  Loves me endlessly!

We like the same things and I like your style Its not a secret; why do you keep it? I'm just sitting on the shelf

Husband,

Do you ever wonder where I am at this very moment? Do you ever get frustrated that I am not there or that you have to wait longer?

I get that way sometimes. Especially when all my friends are getting married around me, and I don't even have you in the frame somewhere.

I know it's kind of mean to say, but I kind of hope you do feel the same way sometimes, so that you can understand what it is I'm going through... so that I'm not going through it alone.

I still need to write that list. I've been procrastinating because it's a tedious task, and because it means letting go of it and trusting God to meet it once it's written.

Sometimes I still need to fight that nagging feeling that you aren't out there at all, or that I'm not good enough for the kind of man I want. I know it's not true, but it is still hard to remember that sometimes.

Maybe getting that list written out will help.

I wonder if you ever wrote out a list for the things I needed to be?

Love you always.
Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

Lately the weather has been so bipolar, and consequently so have I...

Husband,

Break-ups are hard. Even when you can stay positive for the most part, the struggles still come in. I have my moments; moments when that positivity and hope for the future elude me and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

Thankfully I have a huge net of support to help me, along with a God who seems intent on making sure I walk away from this almost completely unscathed.

I'm starting to see more of the things I tried to ignore that would have made a long-term relationship with him, at the very least, uncomfortably difficult. Not to say he's a bad guy... he wasn't. He was so good to me, he was caring and he made me feel more beautiful and wanted than I've ever felt.

But there were a lot of things, starting of course with the differences in belief. As much as he was supportive of my faith it was difficult not being able to share it with him... to have a relationship with him and God.

I think in my heart I knew that it wasn't right, I just wasn't ready to let go. I'm sure there's a part of me that still isn't ready, but that will pass. I miss him. But I suppose it's normal to miss someone who you spent nearly every day for 9 months straight with, and those days you didn't, you texted all day.

There's a lot of the silly things that I'm realizing got to me about the relationship thing to. Things like, he didn't want his Facebook status changed from single, or even to say he was in a relationship with me. I want someone who's proud to be with me, and who isn't afraid of their friends and family seeing that we're together.

Do me a favour? I know they're silly things... but indulge me a bit when we're together?

Love you always and forever.

Just a girl,
Someday a Wife

This too shall pass.

Husband,

My suspicions from before have proven to be true. He wasn't you.

There's a big part of me that's kind of happy about it. Certain things I was willing to compromise that I really didn't want to.

I thought I'd be struggling more with this. After all, this was my first mature/serious relationship. At first, it hurt a lot. I cried a lot harder than I had in a long time. But today, I'm fine.

More than fine actually. I'm happy. I'm looking forward to things that I couldn't really do before. I'm excited about what's to come, about the things I can do, the people I can see. The freedom I have again. That surprises me. But I think it's a good thing. I think it's God's way of reminding me that there's so much more to come for me.

I'm going to rewrite my list for you... then release it up to God. Because next time, I'm hoping it will be you. But if it's not... I'm kind of okay with that.

Love you always,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

It's been a while....

Dear Husband,

I hope you do not think I have forgotten about you. I haven't. It's just, since starting a relationship, I've felt weird about writing to you. Realistically, I am not expecting that the man I am with right now is you. Considering it is my first REAL relationship, I am aware the chances are quite high that he will in fact, not be you.

Knowing that, and facing reality, I almost feel as if I am doing him a disservice by writing to you. It's foolish, I know, but I can't help it.

In the same way, I almost feel as if writing to you is in some way, cheating on him as well. It is him that I am with right now, and thus my thoughts and attentions should be focused on him.

Do not get me wrong, I do hope it is him. I do hope that you and he turn out to be the same person. But I know to write to you as if that is the definite future is foolish.

Still, despite how it has made me feel in the past, I miss writing to you. I miss it because, despite not actually knowing who you are, writing these letters has allowed me to feel connected to you in a way that I myself do not even understand.

Things have been a little stressful lately, and I've had to acknowledge that despite how far I grew with God over the last few years, the standstill I've come to with Him is a fault entirely of my own. Which is generally the case. But there's a lot I've had to face about it, some that I would rather not. But either way. It's going to be an interesting journey.

I've also found I've been longing to be closer to you a lot more lately. As my sister talks about getting engaged soon, and many of my friends are getting engaged/married and or are already married, I find myself longing for a ring. Not that the ring is important, but rather what it signifies.

Are you wishing you were that much closer to me as well? To be secure enough in our relationship that we know without a shadow of a doubt we are each other's 'One'?

I hope whereever you are and whoever you are with right now, you are happy. For the first time in a long time, I can say I am. Even if he isn't you, you have one thing to thank him for. He has restored my faith in decent, gentlemanlike, amazing guys who can make me feel like a princess. He's building some pretty big shoes for you to fill, but I am sure you will be able to do so.

Love you always,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife.

the dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet

Father;

Love is a crazy thing. Not to say that I'm linking what's going on right now with being in love, but it is a step towards that final goal is it not?

It's crazy because there's so much about love that you have to be cautious of, both for yourself and for the other person. And it's dangerous because if you are not firm in who you are, it can take you and throw you over a cliff, left dangling for life and not really knowing which direction is the safest to move in.

That security in oneself seems to be something that many of us struggle to find. It's been one of my biggest stumbling points for years. But of course, you know that already, Dad. You've known I would struggle with that before I was even born.

Sometimes I want to blame you for it. Blame you for all the short relationships where I've been left for someone better, or where I'm pretty sure I was cheated on because I wasn't willing to give up enough. Sometimes, I want to scream and yell and accuse you of enjoying watching me go through that kind of pain time and time again.

But of course, it's not your fault. You didn't make me date those guys, and you certainly didn't tell me to dive in head first without keeping any barriers around my heart. You didn't teach me that my worth was measured by who wanted me and how long they wanted me for.

I'm working on trying to break that line of thinking, but Daddy, I don't think I can fully crush it without you. I'm learning to roll with the punches and not take them personally. To understand that if things don't work out, it doesn't mean I'm worthless. But that fear still haunts at the edge of my mind. That's where you come in. This battle I believe is beyond me. It's one of my weakest points, and probably the point where I will continue to be assaulted the most.

But I know, in my mind, and buried in my heart that nothing that happens is a reflection of my worth.

Help to give me the strength and to remember that every day father.

Love your daughter,
Just a Girl, Someday a wife.

I've had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you

Husband;

I'm writing this to you, because I know that you are probably going through crushes and stuff prior to me. Heck. This crush might even be you.

I don't know. But I do know this. Whether or not this crush is you, I owe the guy for reawakening my heart again. I feel alive. All that dwindling hope about love, and finding someone who would fit what I know I need? Gone. It's totally just a hardcore high school crush at the moment, but I mean... it's brought me back.

But beyond that, it's shown me that the process I desire for getting to know someone, for building a relationship, isn't a 'fairytale'. That there are men out there that desire things to be built the same way I do. I mean, it's clear we're both crushing... and there's been flirting. But we're taking the time to get to really know each other, to find out everything we can about one another. And beyond that? He's been the initiator.

So, husband. If crush isn't you. I want you to be able to look at him, and thank him for bringing back my hope. I mean, ultimately, it's God using him to answer my prayers to revive my hope, but I think you still owe him some respect for being man enough to show me.

And hey. If crush does end up being you, I hope you get to know just how alive you have made me feel again. For the first time. I feel like a woman. I feel like a woman who is desired, not for my looks or for being an object, but for who I am.

Love you always and forever,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

You treat me like I'm a princess; I'm not used to liking that...

Lord,

It's times like these where I wish with all my heart that I had someone to come home to, someone to wrap his arms around me and whisper in my ear that he loves me after I've had a rough day. I know that wouldn't really be good for me right now, and I trust your reasons for it. But that doesn't take away the longing or the pain of lacking it.

It kind of weirds me out that guys don't show interest in me generally, but when they do, they're the types that either will only admit their attraction to me anonymously (thank you Honesty Box on Facebook for not helping IN THE SLIGHTEST!). Either that, or they're MADLY in love with me, but the second I want time to consider, they're with another girl (and I mean literally... as in, it's happened in a matter of a DAY!)

I've got to keep holding onto hope though. I've witnessed enough people diving into relationships that they know are going nowhere, pouring everything they have into it, then walking away broken and shattered. I don't want that. I don't need that.

Divorce is not an option when I get married, so why should shattering someone's complete being just to have a relationship be an option either?

Still. It wouldn't suck to have someone there to love or be loved by.

Please help me not to lose hope or let the obsession of falling in love take over all else in my life.

Love always,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife