Lately the weather has been so bipolar, and consequently so have I...

Husband,

Break-ups are hard. Even when you can stay positive for the most part, the struggles still come in. I have my moments; moments when that positivity and hope for the future elude me and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

Thankfully I have a huge net of support to help me, along with a God who seems intent on making sure I walk away from this almost completely unscathed.

I'm starting to see more of the things I tried to ignore that would have made a long-term relationship with him, at the very least, uncomfortably difficult. Not to say he's a bad guy... he wasn't. He was so good to me, he was caring and he made me feel more beautiful and wanted than I've ever felt.

But there were a lot of things, starting of course with the differences in belief. As much as he was supportive of my faith it was difficult not being able to share it with him... to have a relationship with him and God.

I think in my heart I knew that it wasn't right, I just wasn't ready to let go. I'm sure there's a part of me that still isn't ready, but that will pass. I miss him. But I suppose it's normal to miss someone who you spent nearly every day for 9 months straight with, and those days you didn't, you texted all day.

There's a lot of the silly things that I'm realizing got to me about the relationship thing to. Things like, he didn't want his Facebook status changed from single, or even to say he was in a relationship with me. I want someone who's proud to be with me, and who isn't afraid of their friends and family seeing that we're together.

Do me a favour? I know they're silly things... but indulge me a bit when we're together?

Love you always and forever.

Just a girl,
Someday a Wife

This too shall pass.

Husband,

My suspicions from before have proven to be true. He wasn't you.

There's a big part of me that's kind of happy about it. Certain things I was willing to compromise that I really didn't want to.

I thought I'd be struggling more with this. After all, this was my first mature/serious relationship. At first, it hurt a lot. I cried a lot harder than I had in a long time. But today, I'm fine.

More than fine actually. I'm happy. I'm looking forward to things that I couldn't really do before. I'm excited about what's to come, about the things I can do, the people I can see. The freedom I have again. That surprises me. But I think it's a good thing. I think it's God's way of reminding me that there's so much more to come for me.

I'm going to rewrite my list for you... then release it up to God. Because next time, I'm hoping it will be you. But if it's not... I'm kind of okay with that.

Love you always,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, so tell me baby what I've got to lose...

Husband,

I know it's probably not the best thing to gloat about, but right now, I feel on top of the world. It's amazing, realizing that I have all the things my classmates told me I would never have growing up. That I was too ugly, too fat, too geeky, not hot enough to ever have a guy truly into me, to ever be somebody.

I'm not famous, but I'm somebody. I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, but I know I'm attractive. And best of all? I have a smoking hot boyfriend who adores me. Who thinks I'm beautiful, sexy, funny, intelligent and LOVES the fact that I am geeky.

And you know what the greatest part is? Knowing that you'll feel that way too.

I can't deny it was hard to not agree with the predictions of peers, friends and family when the guys I was ever with treated me horribly, and those that were physically attracted to me only saw that attraction so long as I was willing to put out. When I said no, they ditched me feeling worthless, telling me I had nothing to hold a guy's attention.

But, I digress. The point is that it feels incredible to realize that I am everything they said I wasn't. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to flaunt that a little bit.

Is it wrong that I am feeling like this?

Love you always,
Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

Where you see a map to guide me, I see no paths in sight..

Father,

It's hard to sit here and say that I understand more now about love and your will for my love than I did before. Because the truth is, I don't.

I think I have you to thank for keeping me so much more level-headed thus far than I normally am though. I know I tend to get carried away with over-analyzing and getting upset and so on and so forth.

When you're not in a relationship it's so simple to take all the things we think we know about the rules and what you want, and lay them out in a perfect little list to display what we will and will not do and what we want and do not want.

But reality is a little bit more complicated. It's harder to put all these things into a list and stick exactly to them. It's so easy to idealize and fantasize about the way things should be when you don't have anything there to set the parameters on. Not saying that what exists is any less, but rather that it's a completely different story.

Anyways, I'm not sure where I'm going with this Father, except to say that I wish there was a little more clarity when one gets involved in a relationship.

I'm sure I'll shed more light on this with less rambling when my thoughts are gathered better.

Love you daddy.

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife.

Is it strange to not be in love?

Husband,

I'm not used to not falling in love in a relationship. What I'm used to is being head over heels, with constant butterflies and shaking knees. But not this time. And you know what? I don't think it's a bad thing.

I often find myself wondering what exactly this is. Where it is going. It's strange to know that if this were to end tomorrow, as much as it would hurt and I would be sorry it was gone, I would not be heartbroken. I would not be turning to a dark place like I have in the past. But at the same time, I don't want it to end. I want it to eventually lead to love. I wouldn't mind him being you.

I've never been this level-headed in a relationship before. It's nice. I think it's far healthier than any of the other relationships where I was driven by emotion and the false presumption of love. The stress I used to have is gone. I feel more carefree, more capable of being a good girlfriend because I'm not so overtly paranoid that I am being a bad one.

And I think the length of this relationship, though still short, is proof that there is something stronger going on this time around. That it has easily outlasted every relationship I've ever had, without even having a struggle is evidence that at least, I'm doing something right.

I don't love him. Maybe I will one day, maybe I won't. But you know what? I'm kind of happy I don't. I'm not ready for love and the level of commitment it brings. I'm ready for learning the foundations of a relationship though, and I believe that if nothing else, this relationship is successfully teaching me that.

And hey, at least I know while not in love, I am definitely in like.

If he's not you, I hope you are not jealous of him. As much as I adore him, I adore you too, and more.

Besides, you'll have him to thank for my ability to actually have a healthy relationship. He's half of the party that's teaching me. The other half is God. I have no illusions that I am somehow doing this on my own, because really, we all know I'm a little too crazy for that.

Love you dear!
Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

Despite my best attempts, I am still a girl...

Husband;

I'll admit it, I totally overreacted on that whole Christmas Dinner thing. I suppose he was a little elusive those days, but in hindsight it was more because of his extreme distaste for the time of year than it was to do with me.

We had a long talk and it was good.

It's New Year's Eve tonight, and he is off with his buddies playing DnD. I'm still not sure I'm okay with that, but I don't have much of a choice. I guess I worry that he isn't really all that focused on me; that though he cares, I don't hold much importance for him.

Of course, that could all be silliness. On the other hand, New Year's Eve with girls has always led to bad things with him, so I can kind of understand that.

I hate not being able to read minds. It would make this so much easier.

Love you.

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

Welcome to Dumpsville, Population? One.

Dear Husband;

I have a gut feeling that a break-up is on the way. All because I invited him to Christmas Dinner, and he didn't want to tell me no. In his mind, Christmas Dinner is serious business. In my mind, not so much so. But I can't help but feel like because he feels it is, he thinks I must feel it is. And since we're not really that serious... well, you get where I'm going with this.

I can't shake the gut feeling.

He said he'd call Christmas Day, and he never did. We texted off and on throughout the day, but that was it.

He hasn't really said anything to indicate it's over, but I can't shake this feeling in my gut. The one that tells me he has lost interest and is about to call it all off.

I'm not ready for it to end. I enjoy his company too much.

But I think I need to face the facts. He doesn't want to be serious, and no matter how much he likes me, that's not going to change that fact.

He thinks I'm more serious in it than I am.

And for his thinking, I think I'm about to get dumped.

My heart is caught up in my throat.

I'm scared. I just want to hear him say he wants to see me. Or he misses me.

But let's face it. The guy who hated going more than twenty-four hours without seeing me has made it clear he hasn't wanted to see me at all in the last three days. And pretty much hinted he won't want to see me tomorrow either.

And in my experience, those are heavy indications that the train to Dumpsville is about to pull into my station.

This sucks.

Love you.
Just a Girl, Someday a Wife