Despite my best attempts, I am still a girl...

Husband;

I'll admit it, I totally overreacted on that whole Christmas Dinner thing. I suppose he was a little elusive those days, but in hindsight it was more because of his extreme distaste for the time of year than it was to do with me.

We had a long talk and it was good.

It's New Year's Eve tonight, and he is off with his buddies playing DnD. I'm still not sure I'm okay with that, but I don't have much of a choice. I guess I worry that he isn't really all that focused on me; that though he cares, I don't hold much importance for him.

Of course, that could all be silliness. On the other hand, New Year's Eve with girls has always led to bad things with him, so I can kind of understand that.

I hate not being able to read minds. It would make this so much easier.

Love you.

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

Welcome to Dumpsville, Population? One.

Dear Husband;

I have a gut feeling that a break-up is on the way. All because I invited him to Christmas Dinner, and he didn't want to tell me no. In his mind, Christmas Dinner is serious business. In my mind, not so much so. But I can't help but feel like because he feels it is, he thinks I must feel it is. And since we're not really that serious... well, you get where I'm going with this.

I can't shake the gut feeling.

He said he'd call Christmas Day, and he never did. We texted off and on throughout the day, but that was it.

He hasn't really said anything to indicate it's over, but I can't shake this feeling in my gut. The one that tells me he has lost interest and is about to call it all off.

I'm not ready for it to end. I enjoy his company too much.

But I think I need to face the facts. He doesn't want to be serious, and no matter how much he likes me, that's not going to change that fact.

He thinks I'm more serious in it than I am.

And for his thinking, I think I'm about to get dumped.

My heart is caught up in my throat.

I'm scared. I just want to hear him say he wants to see me. Or he misses me.

But let's face it. The guy who hated going more than twenty-four hours without seeing me has made it clear he hasn't wanted to see me at all in the last three days. And pretty much hinted he won't want to see me tomorrow either.

And in my experience, those are heavy indications that the train to Dumpsville is about to pull into my station.

This sucks.

Love you.
Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

Diamonds, diamonds everywhere!

Courtesy Google Images

Father,

You know, the hardest part about being my age that I am finding, is watching practically everyone I know get married and get engaged.

I'm finding it an odd feeling right now, because I really want to be engaged, I want to be taking that step, but at the same time, at least with the boyfriend now, I am not quite ready for that. Our relationship is still incredibly young, and it still is way too early to be thinking about rings. Especially considering you know, we don't even know if that's were it is going to go at this point.

Yet I still find myself envious of all those getting engaged. As my younger sister prepares to move with her boyfriend, and soon get engaged, I wish it even more. It's hard, watching someone who was supposed to be married after you, getting ready to be married before you even have a solidified relationship with someone.

That being said, I am so thankful you have given me a reasonable head, that I can know that despite my stupid, girly 'cravings', I can be level-headed and know that getting married would be the dumbest move I could make right now.

Thank you for the BF you have so wonderfully blessed me with right now. Thank you that he is sweet, and charming, loving and funny. That he is supportive of me in my faith and endeavours, and that he adores me as much as I adore him. Thank you that he makes me happy, makes me smile, and makes my knees weak when he kisses me.

You are amazing Father; gracious and merciful, giving and loving. Thank you for finally answering my prayers in a manner much better than I could have imagined.

Love you daddy!

Just a girl, Someday a Wife

It's been a while....

Dear Husband,

I hope you do not think I have forgotten about you. I haven't. It's just, since starting a relationship, I've felt weird about writing to you. Realistically, I am not expecting that the man I am with right now is you. Considering it is my first REAL relationship, I am aware the chances are quite high that he will in fact, not be you.

Knowing that, and facing reality, I almost feel as if I am doing him a disservice by writing to you. It's foolish, I know, but I can't help it.

In the same way, I almost feel as if writing to you is in some way, cheating on him as well. It is him that I am with right now, and thus my thoughts and attentions should be focused on him.

Do not get me wrong, I do hope it is him. I do hope that you and he turn out to be the same person. But I know to write to you as if that is the definite future is foolish.

Still, despite how it has made me feel in the past, I miss writing to you. I miss it because, despite not actually knowing who you are, writing these letters has allowed me to feel connected to you in a way that I myself do not even understand.

Things have been a little stressful lately, and I've had to acknowledge that despite how far I grew with God over the last few years, the standstill I've come to with Him is a fault entirely of my own. Which is generally the case. But there's a lot I've had to face about it, some that I would rather not. But either way. It's going to be an interesting journey.

I've also found I've been longing to be closer to you a lot more lately. As my sister talks about getting engaged soon, and many of my friends are getting engaged/married and or are already married, I find myself longing for a ring. Not that the ring is important, but rather what it signifies.

Are you wishing you were that much closer to me as well? To be secure enough in our relationship that we know without a shadow of a doubt we are each other's 'One'?

I hope whereever you are and whoever you are with right now, you are happy. For the first time in a long time, I can say I am. Even if he isn't you, you have one thing to thank him for. He has restored my faith in decent, gentlemanlike, amazing guys who can make me feel like a princess. He's building some pretty big shoes for you to fill, but I am sure you will be able to do so.

Love you always,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife.

She said you're smooth, and good with talking....

Husband;

I made a decision last night. I had my reasons for it, and while I know they do not make it right, it was something that I needed to do. I hope you can understand that, and forgive me that the decision was made without you.

I also hope that you've had to make that decision at some point. Whether or not you came to the same conclusion won't matter to me. What matters is that you've had the opportunity to make that decision for yourself. That you've come to that bridge, and chosen whether or not to cross it based on what YOU wanted to do, not based on what others told you to do, or what you've been told is the right choice.

That was why I had to make the choice I did. I won't deny that I wanted that choice. I'm not daft enough to believe that ultimately the end justifies the means and all that stuff. But I needed to choose that for me. I needed to know that making that choice wouldn't end God's love for me; that making that choice would not suddenly turn me into a bad person.

There will be consequences, as all choices have whether they were good or bad, right or wrong. And I am ready to face those consequences.

I hope you can forgive me for the choice I made. It's not that I love you any less, because I don't. I know I love you to the ends of the earth and beyond.

Always yours;

Just a girl, someday a wife.

the dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet

Father;

Love is a crazy thing. Not to say that I'm linking what's going on right now with being in love, but it is a step towards that final goal is it not?

It's crazy because there's so much about love that you have to be cautious of, both for yourself and for the other person. And it's dangerous because if you are not firm in who you are, it can take you and throw you over a cliff, left dangling for life and not really knowing which direction is the safest to move in.

That security in oneself seems to be something that many of us struggle to find. It's been one of my biggest stumbling points for years. But of course, you know that already, Dad. You've known I would struggle with that before I was even born.

Sometimes I want to blame you for it. Blame you for all the short relationships where I've been left for someone better, or where I'm pretty sure I was cheated on because I wasn't willing to give up enough. Sometimes, I want to scream and yell and accuse you of enjoying watching me go through that kind of pain time and time again.

But of course, it's not your fault. You didn't make me date those guys, and you certainly didn't tell me to dive in head first without keeping any barriers around my heart. You didn't teach me that my worth was measured by who wanted me and how long they wanted me for.

I'm working on trying to break that line of thinking, but Daddy, I don't think I can fully crush it without you. I'm learning to roll with the punches and not take them personally. To understand that if things don't work out, it doesn't mean I'm worthless. But that fear still haunts at the edge of my mind. That's where you come in. This battle I believe is beyond me. It's one of my weakest points, and probably the point where I will continue to be assaulted the most.

But I know, in my mind, and buried in my heart that nothing that happens is a reflection of my worth.

Help to give me the strength and to remember that every day father.

Love your daughter,
Just a Girl, Someday a wife.