What do you get when you fall in love? ......

....you get enough tears to fill an ocean

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Father;

WHY? WHY WHY WHY? Why is it that after these years of convincing myself I'm over him, it turns out that not only am I not, but I still love him.

What's the point? He doesn't love me. He won't ever.

So why does my heart want what it won't ever have?

It was easy to convince myself I no longer loved him when he wasn't around that much. Even at the party he held; for the most part, he acted like enough of a goof, and there were so many other people distracting me that my emotions thought I had the upper hand.

Then he came up this weekend with one of my other buddies. And things changed. Last night, I could write it off merely as shadows of what once was. Flickers of feelings I once felt, but nothing true, real or serious.

Today... it became more apparent that those feelings were not just shadows. They were the still beating emotions of my heart... the ones I had managed to keep buried for so long.

The first hint came when we were at church. He was beside me, and so during worship, of course his voice was the one I heard. I always loved his singing voice. It always had the ability to make my heart melt.

Then, as the day went on I was just... so much more aware of his presence around me, and how comfortable I felt when he was around... when he is around. Like having him with me is more than just normal; it's right.

We had a barbecue later that afternoon, and a friend from church joined us. She pointed out that He reminded her of a fellow from church... a fellow that I had crushed on hardcore for the last two years. And it dawned on me... I had spent the last two years trying to figure out who that guy reminded me of and why I liked it so much. That was the main moment it hit me like a brick.

All this time I had been trying to bury my feelings, I had actually been subconsciously turning towards 'the next best thing' (not meaning in any way that the guy was less than him... just well.. you know right?).

During our campfire, he chose to sit beside me... and sat awfully close, for me being the only other person on that bench-swing. We got talking about deep things... and that's when the pain arose.

When we were first interested in each other... we would spend hours upon hours just sitting on his bed, talking about the deepest, most controversial and emotional topics we could think of... most of them, surrounding God and being a Christian.

Father, I started crying, and it was so hard to hide it. The pain was just washing over me in waves. I had to busy myself putting away the snacks, then wander the yard pretending to look at stars so that I could let the tears flow.

God, it hurts. Even now, writing this, I am fighting off the pain.

How can I still love him after all this time? Why do I still love him?

Father, it hurts to love him... and just when I thought I was past it... this all comes back. Father, I can't deal with this. I can't! I don't want to shove him out of my life as a friend; not having him there for those three years wasn't right. Everything about it felt wrong.

Why does my mind have to wonder and think about the things I've always noticed would make us compatible in marriage? Or to pick up on the areas that he's grown in, that I always knew he'd need to be stronger in.

God, HE BROKE MY HEART!!!! He left me shattered and hating myself more than anything ever before! WHY DO I STILL LOVE HIM!

I'm frustrated, angry and hurt. I'm not angry with you father, but I am confused. PLEASE give me something, anything!!!!!!

Your hurting daughter,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

On and off the clouds have fought for control over the skies..

Husband;

This probably isn't the wisest thing to do, but I am so tired of my raging hormones and being okay with my singleness one day then devastated by it the next. So in order to cope, I have started a new writing project. I am writing a romance novel. Yep, that's right. Me who hates romance novels and cringes every time she walks past the romance section in Chapters, is adventuring into the untravelled land and giving it a try.

Who knows. Maybe in some strange way, I'll be able to write a romance novel that actually helps struggling, young Christian women, devastated by their seemingly inherent singleness.

I'm getting impatient. Somedays I'm totally fine, not caring at all and content on waiting on God. Other days, I feel like I'm ready to jump every cute guy I see walk through the door and beg them to date me.

I find myself sizing up EVERY guy I encounter throughout my day,

mentally playing through what the likelihood would be of them possibly being the one.

And I cry, all the freaking time.

What the heck is wrong with me?

But oh yeah. The novel. Basically. It's just gonna follow a girl like me, only unlike me, she is about to have her world completely blown by an arrogant, witty, charming and totally desirable modern day Mr. Darcy.

Yeah yeah, it's the same basic plot of every bloody romance novel, but what choice do I have? When it comes to romance, I just have no creativity whatsoever.

This one's for the girls.....

Father,

Short and to the point tonight.

I'm crying out to you. Why does it seem impossible for me to be in a relationship? Why am I not able to find a man who meets my needs?

Sometimes I feel like you're punishing me for something. Most of the time I feel like it's because I'm not good enough.

I'm trying to hard to trust in you, but Lord. I just need some hope that will remind me that a relationship is in my future.

Love always,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

I've had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you

Husband;

I'm writing this to you, because I know that you are probably going through crushes and stuff prior to me. Heck. This crush might even be you.

I don't know. But I do know this. Whether or not this crush is you, I owe the guy for reawakening my heart again. I feel alive. All that dwindling hope about love, and finding someone who would fit what I know I need? Gone. It's totally just a hardcore high school crush at the moment, but I mean... it's brought me back.

But beyond that, it's shown me that the process I desire for getting to know someone, for building a relationship, isn't a 'fairytale'. That there are men out there that desire things to be built the same way I do. I mean, it's clear we're both crushing... and there's been flirting. But we're taking the time to get to really know each other, to find out everything we can about one another. And beyond that? He's been the initiator.

So, husband. If crush isn't you. I want you to be able to look at him, and thank him for bringing back my hope. I mean, ultimately, it's God using him to answer my prayers to revive my hope, but I think you still owe him some respect for being man enough to show me.

And hey. If crush does end up being you, I hope you get to know just how alive you have made me feel again. For the first time. I feel like a woman. I feel like a woman who is desired, not for my looks or for being an object, but for who I am.

Love you always and forever,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly

Dear Lord,

Why does he have to keep coming back into my life? You know I don't have the heart to reject his offer of friendship, but why am I the rebound girl? HE BROKE UP WITH ME! He's the one who shattered my heart and left me questioning everything I thought I knew.

So why does he keep coming back? Beyond that, how is it that he has NO IDEA that he is constantly rebounding onto me?

I'm not going to say that I'm worried about falling for him again, because I'm not. That ship has long sailed, and any chances of it sticking around were burned to the ground after the last time he used me as a rebound. I'm smarter than I was when I fell in love with him. I'm not some insecure 20 year old desperate for love anymore. I know I'm beautiful, intelligent and funny, and that there is a guy out there for me.

But why won't he leave me alone? I'm constantly haunted by the old feelings threatening to bubble to the surface, though I know they are merely shadows of what was, and not examples of what is. That doesn't make it any easier though.

Interestingly enough Lord, the song Over It by Addictiv came on when I started writing this post. Fitting I guess, because the whole song is singing about how she's over it, only, she's OBVIOUSLY not, because if she was she wouldn't need to be singing about it. And that's kinda how I feel right now. Like. I know I'm mostly over it, but this interaction is enough for me to realize that the hurt still lingers.

Lord, why can't he be gone from my life forever? Mostly everyone else is. I barely keep in touch with anyone I knew from college (save from him and the one my parents want me to marry), and even high school friends I barely speak with. Everyone else leaves and never looks back. So why doesn't he?

Some clarification on this conundrum would be much appreciated.

Love always,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

How would you feel about a simple love song?

Lover-boy,

I hope beyond hope that you are not one of those men who make cat calls to random women, or make comments like 'damn, sexy!' as you're walking by a stranger. If you were ever like that, chances are I'm about to smack you upside the head.

Twice this week I have encountered such men, and I'm not going to lie it infuriates and disgusts me.

When I was MUCH younger, I thought I wanted that kind of attention, that it was good attention. But the *very* few times I received it, I felt uncomfortable rather than attractive. At that age I couldn't understand why, but now I can answer it with confidence. It's the same reason I find myself infuriated when guys cat call me now.

It's degrading, and I hate the feeling of being objectified.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'd be lying if I said I never eyed guys and thought about how cute they are, and I'm not saying it's wrong for guys to do that with girls. But it's one thing to see them and acknowledge that to yourself. To actually vocalize that in a cat call or a comment about how sexy you think they are, or how you want to 'tap that'? That's one of the most insulting, objectifying things you could do.

Chances are, most of the guys who do that don't even care. But it bugs me. It bugs me even more when they get angry because you ignore them or are displeased by their cat calls. The other night, I was walking to meet up with my sister across the mall parking lot, and these two guys started whistling at me. I wasn't even dressed to the nine... I was in my work clothes! When I ignored them, they shouted 'Yeah f*** you too b****!'.

I was SO shocked and appalled.

What exactly do men hope to achieve by treating women so horribly? Do they think that a comment or whistle will cause me to turn back to them, throw myself at their feet, and scream 'TAKE ME! I'M YOURS!!!'?

So, to make a long story short. Husband, I am pleading with you, please, never objectify me. It's not my feelings I'm worried about when I request this... but rather your health.

Love you always,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife

You treat me like I'm a princess; I'm not used to liking that...

Lord,

It's times like these where I wish with all my heart that I had someone to come home to, someone to wrap his arms around me and whisper in my ear that he loves me after I've had a rough day. I know that wouldn't really be good for me right now, and I trust your reasons for it. But that doesn't take away the longing or the pain of lacking it.

It kind of weirds me out that guys don't show interest in me generally, but when they do, they're the types that either will only admit their attraction to me anonymously (thank you Honesty Box on Facebook for not helping IN THE SLIGHTEST!). Either that, or they're MADLY in love with me, but the second I want time to consider, they're with another girl (and I mean literally... as in, it's happened in a matter of a DAY!)

I've got to keep holding onto hope though. I've witnessed enough people diving into relationships that they know are going nowhere, pouring everything they have into it, then walking away broken and shattered. I don't want that. I don't need that.

Divorce is not an option when I get married, so why should shattering someone's complete being just to have a relationship be an option either?

Still. It wouldn't suck to have someone there to love or be loved by.

Please help me not to lose hope or let the obsession of falling in love take over all else in my life.

Love always,

Just a Girl, Someday a Wife